Oh, well, I guess I'll post when I feel like it. Trying to keep myself stay "on track" isn't working.
Of course, today I do feel like I have something to say. Something that is nagging inside me that I want to talk about, but have no one to talk to. See, it's a spiritual thing - and my hubs doesn't "get" it. He doesn't understand anything pertaining to Christ or why this is so important to me, so he's out as a candidate of someone to talk to. And my Christian friends, well, they are tied up doing other things. Plus, sometimes I wonder if they actually understand what I'm talking about either. Well, I know some people do understand - but then there are others who look at me as if I have three heads.
Our sermon today really sparked some "stuff" in my heart and mind. Namely, that I've not been living my whole life for God - that I want to live for Him, but that I seldom actually do it. I fill my life up with lots of other stuff - stuff that doesn't reap any reward other than filling my time and possibly entertaining me. And I HATE it. I know what I'm spending the majority of my time doing makes no impact on anyone's life - even mine. It doesn't feel enjoyable, even. It all just feels empty.
And the thing that gets me is that I know it's empty, and yet I still continue in this manner. I still miss reading my Bible regularly - I still miss finding time, any time, to pray. I know how to keep God present in my life, to defer to the leading of the Holy Spirit instead of listening to what I want. I know that I need to put God first in my life. But I don't do it.
Is it fear that's keeping me from really walking with God on a daily basis? I think that is part of it, because I do fear my husband thinking I'm crazy, or weird, or maybe deciding that he wants nothing to do with me if I'm the "crazy Christian lady" which he looks down upon. But at the same time, I think it's also me wanting to reap the benefits of God without actually having to do anything. To be able to just have the blessings without having to actually give up anything. And that's just not how it works.
I want to be willing to put God first - not just saying that I'm putting Him first, but actually walking that out. Truthfully, I want more. I want more of Him, more of an experience of Him, and to know Him more. I want more out of life than feeling like I'm just biding my time, waiting for who-knows-what...for something better. I want better NOW , and that is only going to be found by following Him and doing what He's called me to do.
I feel like I keep coming back to this place - unsatisfied with my relationship with God, wanting more, and then falling back into old patterns. This especially gets bad when I'm left alone, without other Christian people to talk to - which happens from time to time. I want more, but I don't know how to get more. Lord, show me how to actually walk with You daily - to be in and stay in relationship with You - and what it looks like to put You first in my life, above everything else, especially my wants and desires. Show me how to be the person you are calling me to be. In Jesus' name, Amen.
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