Monday, August 15, 2011

When Won't I Feel Like an Outcast?

So, most of my life, I've felt like I didn't belong.  I didn't fit in, I didn't know how to get along with my peers, I didn't know how to be "cool".  I've pretty much always felt like I was broken in a perfect world - like the people around my just couldn't seem to figure me out.

Then I came to Christ - and at first, I really felt like I finally found a group of people who'd just accept me as I was.  That I didn't have to be anyone other than who I am.  I didn't have to fit society's norms, because I was created exactly to be who I was.  And it was great - for a while.

But, eventually, I realized that I wanted more from God.  That I wasn't happy with the "go to church, go to prayer meeting, read your Bible, feel good about yourself because you aren't going to hell" scenario that most people are totally fine with.  I wanted to immerse myself in Him.  I wanted to experience Him on a daily basis, to serve Him with my whole heart.  I wanted to be on the leading edge of whatever He was doing in the earth, and I wanted to pursue Him without thought for what it would look like to the rest of the world.

The thing is, I also want to take other people with me on this adventure.  I don't want to walk this path alone.  And yet, the more I speak, the more I feel like an outcast again.  The more I feel like I need to apologize for being this way.  I often feel like other people who supposedly believe what I believe about God look at me like I have 3 heads.  Like I'm WAY out there.

But here's the thing - we talk a good game about God being good, and loving us, and wanting good things for us.  We put in a lot of lip service to Him being our Healer, being Supernatural, doing miracles.  We talk, but we don't experience.  We don't dare actually pursue Him to receive, because, deep down, there is fear.  What if we ask, and don't get?  But I ask - if He is real, if He does what He says He does, then why are we not going after Him with everything we've got?  Why are we not trusting Him to be there for us?  And, conversely, if we're afraid He's not going to be what we say He is, or do what He says He'll do, then do we really believe He is real, or are we just pretending?  Are we hedging our bets, figuring that believing He's real and finding out He's not is better than believing He's not real and finding out He is?  Are we just hoping and making ourselves feel better?

I don't get not going after God wholeheartedly if we truly know that He IS, and that He's a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.  I don't get not wanting to have Him fully involved in our lives to the point where we never feel alone.  I want Him in my life - I want my life to truly be a reflection of His love.  I want to have everything He says I can have, be everything He's called me to be, and do everything He's empowered me to do.  I don't want do have "normal life" and "church life" separate.  I don't want to experience God only when I go to a powerful conference, or have a particularly good sermon.  I want more.

And yet - it makes me feel like an outcast...

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