Monday, August 15, 2011

When Won't I Feel Like an Outcast?

So, most of my life, I've felt like I didn't belong.  I didn't fit in, I didn't know how to get along with my peers, I didn't know how to be "cool".  I've pretty much always felt like I was broken in a perfect world - like the people around my just couldn't seem to figure me out.

Then I came to Christ - and at first, I really felt like I finally found a group of people who'd just accept me as I was.  That I didn't have to be anyone other than who I am.  I didn't have to fit society's norms, because I was created exactly to be who I was.  And it was great - for a while.

But, eventually, I realized that I wanted more from God.  That I wasn't happy with the "go to church, go to prayer meeting, read your Bible, feel good about yourself because you aren't going to hell" scenario that most people are totally fine with.  I wanted to immerse myself in Him.  I wanted to experience Him on a daily basis, to serve Him with my whole heart.  I wanted to be on the leading edge of whatever He was doing in the earth, and I wanted to pursue Him without thought for what it would look like to the rest of the world.

The thing is, I also want to take other people with me on this adventure.  I don't want to walk this path alone.  And yet, the more I speak, the more I feel like an outcast again.  The more I feel like I need to apologize for being this way.  I often feel like other people who supposedly believe what I believe about God look at me like I have 3 heads.  Like I'm WAY out there.

But here's the thing - we talk a good game about God being good, and loving us, and wanting good things for us.  We put in a lot of lip service to Him being our Healer, being Supernatural, doing miracles.  We talk, but we don't experience.  We don't dare actually pursue Him to receive, because, deep down, there is fear.  What if we ask, and don't get?  But I ask - if He is real, if He does what He says He does, then why are we not going after Him with everything we've got?  Why are we not trusting Him to be there for us?  And, conversely, if we're afraid He's not going to be what we say He is, or do what He says He'll do, then do we really believe He is real, or are we just pretending?  Are we hedging our bets, figuring that believing He's real and finding out He's not is better than believing He's not real and finding out He is?  Are we just hoping and making ourselves feel better?

I don't get not going after God wholeheartedly if we truly know that He IS, and that He's a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.  I don't get not wanting to have Him fully involved in our lives to the point where we never feel alone.  I want Him in my life - I want my life to truly be a reflection of His love.  I want to have everything He says I can have, be everything He's called me to be, and do everything He's empowered me to do.  I don't want do have "normal life" and "church life" separate.  I don't want to experience God only when I go to a powerful conference, or have a particularly good sermon.  I want more.

And yet - it makes me feel like an outcast...

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Yup, I'm crap at this blogging thing...

Oh, well, I guess I'll post when I feel like it.  Trying to keep myself stay "on track" isn't working. 

Of course, today I do feel like I have something to say.  Something that is nagging inside me that I want to talk about, but have no one to talk to.  See, it's a spiritual thing - and my hubs doesn't "get" it.  He doesn't understand anything pertaining to Christ or why this is so important to me, so he's out as a candidate of someone to talk to.  And my Christian friends, well, they are tied up doing other things.  Plus, sometimes I wonder if they actually understand what I'm talking about either.  Well, I know some people do understand - but then there are others who look at me as if I have three heads.

Our sermon today really sparked some "stuff" in my heart and mind.  Namely, that I've not been living my whole life for God - that I want to live for Him, but that I seldom actually do it.  I fill my life up with lots of other stuff - stuff that doesn't reap any reward other than filling my time and possibly entertaining me.  And I HATE it.  I know what I'm spending the majority of my time doing makes no impact on anyone's life - even mine.  It doesn't feel enjoyable, even.  It all just feels empty. 

And the thing that gets me is that I know it's empty, and yet I still continue in this manner.  I still miss reading my Bible regularly - I still miss finding time, any time, to pray.  I know how to keep God present in my life, to defer to the leading of the Holy Spirit instead of listening to what I want.  I know that I need to put God first in my life.  But I don't do it.

Is it fear that's keeping me from really walking with God on a daily basis?  I think that is part of it, because I do fear my husband thinking I'm crazy, or weird, or maybe deciding that he wants nothing to do with me if I'm the "crazy Christian lady" which he looks down upon.  But at the same time, I think it's also me wanting to reap the benefits of God without actually having to do anything.  To be able to just have the blessings without having to actually give up anything.  And that's just not how it works.

I want to be willing to put God first - not just saying that I'm putting Him first, but actually walking that out.  Truthfully, I want more.  I want more of Him, more of an experience of Him, and to know Him more.  I want more out of life than feeling like I'm just biding my time, waiting for who-knows-what...for something better.  I want better NOW , and that is only going to be found by following Him and doing what He's called me to do.

I feel like I keep coming back to this place - unsatisfied with my relationship with God, wanting more, and then falling back into old patterns.  This especially gets bad when I'm left alone, without other Christian people to talk to - which happens from time to time.  I want more, but I don't know how to get more.  Lord, show me how to actually walk with You daily - to be in and stay in relationship with You - and what it looks like to put You first in my life, above everything else, especially my wants and desires.  Show me how to be the person you are calling me to be.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Birthday update...

So, it's been what I thought - told my hubs I wanted a 4th generation iPod for my birthday, he ordered it, and it will arrive tomorrow.  Other than a card I got from the kids, nothing else was done for my birthday.  Big surprise...NOT!

Yeah, I suppose I got a great gift out of it, but really, I would have liked something that he thought of himself instead of having to tell him what to get.  But hey, at least it's the end of the day and I don't have to be disappointed tomorrow when nothing exciting or fun happens.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Birthday, smurfday

Tomorrow is my birthday.  I used to enjoy my birthday, but I really don't any longer.  And no, it's not for the reasons you might think.  See, I don't mind getting older - I will even proudly tell anyone who asks how old I am (41 tomorrow).  Aging doesn't bother me in the least.  So why wouldn't I like my birthday?

Well, I'll tell you.  It's because it's just another day - just a day where I can get my hopes up that my husband will do something nice for me, or my friends will, or whatever - and generally those hopes are dashed each and every year.  I try not to even think that's it's going to be different than any other day - but it's hard, because the world out there expects that birthdays are special.  And I would like to feel special once in a while, you know? 

Today my husband announced that he had no idea what to get me for my birthday.  So now I have to either come up with something specific that he can either order from Amazon or buy at Walmart, or most likely I will get nothing.  He's only known me for 13 years - how can I expect that he might have an inkling of what I like?  Even though I try to suggest things when I see them throughout the year as gift ideas, he doesn't retain it. 

Honestly, it's not about the gift, really.  I just would like to feel like he's done something that is just for me.  Not for the kids with a side benefit being that I can use it too (like our pool), but something specifically for me, that he actually took the time to think about, instead of just asking what I want. 

I just want tomorrow to be something more that just another day - something more than a day spent watching the kids while he works in his office.  More than feeling like I'm just a mom and housekeeper.  But, I try not to get my hopes up - because if he can't even come up with a gift, there is no way he's going to make my day special. 

My once-a-year attempt to blog...

So, I'm back again - trying to do the thing that I want to do, but don't.  Hey, that's scriptural, right?

I do really want to blog because I know it would be rewarding for me to feel like I have a voice, even if it's read by only a couple of people.  To have someone who can understand my inner dialog, who I am, and what I think, because I sometime feel like I have no other outlet.  I can't talk about the awesome revelations I'm getting from God with my husband because he has no understanding of a relationship with God.  I can't share some of my heartache and struggles with people because they just don't "get" it.  But a blog, well, I can put it all out there, and people will either understand or they won't - but at least I'll get to put a "voice" to it.

And as I said in my first post over a year ago - this is purely about me, what I think, what I like, what I struggle with.  I'm not going to try to be funny, but there will be funny moments.  I'm not going to try to be deep, but I'm sure some deep revelations will show up at times.  I'm just going to write about what's going on with me, because I've come to realize that everyone has something interesting/important to say, even me.

So, let's see if I can make this work for longer than a couple days...