Sunday, April 18, 2010

It's My Own Fault I'm Stuck

Ok, so our pastor taught on giving today. I suppose his real drive behind the teaching was to get people to tithe, which I already do, but I certainly got something out of it that wasn't perhaps the main focus of the teaching. See, one thing he covered was fear of stepping out in faith, fear that God won't provide for whatever He's calling you to do. Maybe the slant was stepping out in giving for fear that if you give you won't have enough, but it really touched on something for me unrelated, or at least not completely related to money.

I have been in fear of stepping out in faith, because I've not been able to see how or when God will provide for the situation. I've got a call on my life, see - a call to ministry that is strong and that I know is from God. But, I've also got 4 kids, two who are currently effected by autism, and an unsaved, unbelieving, agnostic husband. And while I know that if this is His call on my life that God will make a way for me if I will trust Him, I'm afraid. Because of that fear, I've been stagnating. Not standing still, exactly, because we never stand still with God - if we're not going forward with Him, we're falling away. But sinking, really, and knowing I'm sinking, and yet feeling like there was no way to pull myself out. Getting stuck deeper and deeper in the mire, feeling more and more trapped, all because of fear of the unknown.

Stupid, really, isn't it? But we all do it - fear can hold us back from so many things, things that would have so many rewards, and yet we'd rather stick with what we know that venture into the unknown. To personalize it, I'd rather stick with an unsatisfying life, one that I'm just going from one useless thing to anther to kill time, than step out into what God has for me, one where I could actually make a difference in this world! But, truthfully, I don't just want a trivial, useless life. I'd just like the step toward God's wonderful plan to be easier!

So, anyway, today's pastoral message hit home for me. I do need to trust God to be there, to provide for me when I do what He's leading me to do. And I need to realize that I'm only holding myself back from relationship with Him because I'm being stubborn about doing what He's asking me to do. I need to trust that He's got it all under control, seek Him and His will with all my heart, and do those things which might seem impossible now. Because with God, nothing is impossible.

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