Why Works Doesn't Work

I spent many years with a works mentality, never feeling like I'd done enough for God.  Always searching out the next advice on how to "live right", "pray right", "read the Bible right" so that God would be pleased with me and have real relationship with me.  I always thought if I just did more that I'd have the kind of relationship with God that I wanted.  I'd start to see people healed when I prayed, and God would heal my kids, and make my life feel like it's worth something.

So I worked - I led book study groups, I discipled people, I ran a prayer meeting, and I was actively involved in our church leadership committee.  I was on the prayer team at church.  I read my Bible, prayed, fasted, and did everything that I was told I needed to do to get God to be pleased with me, and to earn His blessings.  I went to schools and conferences, hoping that this time will be the time that makes a difference in me, in my life.  Maybe if this prophet speaks over me, or that person lays hands on me, I'll get something that I was sure I did not have.  I was told to chase after God, to pursue Him, to hunger and thirst for Him, and I did - running here and there thinking this time my thirst will be quenched.  This time I'll walk away changed, different than I was before, more pleasing to God, able to be a "super-Christian" like the people who were running the conferences and schools I was attending.  I thought for sure if I just "ran the race well" and "pursued God" then certainly He'd eventually have to give me what I wanted, which was more of Him, more power, more authority.

Then my world was shattered.  I watched someone who I knew wasn't doing everything I was doing, wasn't reading their Bible, wasn't praying on a regular basis, wasn't even trying to chase God beyond attending a few services here and there get wrecked by God at an altar.  Never expecting anything beyond a simple prayer to make them feel better, God met them with His love, and they came out of that service different than they went in.  They got what I had worked so hard to earn, and in my mind they did not deserve it.  Or, at least, didn't I also deserve it?  I mean, I had been a "good" girl and done everything I knew to please God.  This is what I was told to do to get more of God, and yet, going to the same altar, at the same time, I left feeling exactly the same, and they left radically changed.

To be honest, there were a lot of months where this just didn't seem fair.  I wanted more of God so badly!  I had done everything every pastor and every book had told me to do to get more of Him!  I was angry, and my sense of justice was violated.  In my mind, I was the one who deserved more of God!  I had earned it!

After that came thoughts that maybe I'm just not important to God.  Maybe He really doesn't love me as much as other people, or maybe I'm supposed to just raise my family and take care of my husband.  Maybe I don't need more of God because I am going to live an average, dull, boring life.  Maybe all the thoughts in my head of being important to God, having a ministry, being "important" to Him were just pipe dreams.

Depression set in.  Maybe I really am not important.  Maybe I just need to try to be happy cleaning the house, taking care of the kids and husband, and stop pushing to be or have something more.  Maybe this is it for my life until I die.  No one cares what I think, what I know...especially not God.  It was a horrible time in my life, because I was watching my friend who had what I thought I wanted, and knowing that I didn't have it, and couldn't seem to make God give it to me, no matter how many classes or conferences I attended.

For a while I honestly gave up.  I doubted whether God really existed, at least for me, or whether everything I ever thought I'd experienced of Him was all in my mind.  I stopped reading, stopped praying, just lived in depression and hopelessness. I decided that if God did exist, He'd clearly shown me He didn't really care about me, because I'd done what everyone told me to do and was still waiting for something from Him.  Anything, really - any answered prayer to show that He did hear me would have sufficed.

But, instead of encouraging me to think that God had given me anything based on my performance, He led me to read a book on grace.  I had looked at this book on Amazon before, but I was so down, so burned out that I just could not pick up another Christian book.  But Holy Spirit kept highlighting it, kept pushing me to get it and read it, so I did.  And it changed my life.

I realized that all the time I was working to get "more" of God I had unbelief that I actually had Him.  I still thought God was somewhere "out there", and I needed to beg and plead to get Him to show up.  My efforts to get more of Him were worthless, because He'd given me all of Himself when I first believed.  And, in fact, my works were not pleasing to Him, because I was doing them out of unbelief.  Instead of believing what Jesus accomplished for me, I was relying on myself to be able to earn right-standing with God.

This is why I fight so hard that His scandalous grace is so much better than our good behavior and law-keeping.  I almost walked away from God because counting on works doesn't work.  It either leaves you feeling like you have never done enough, or it makes you feel superior to other people because in your mind you have done more.  But it's totally based on what I do, and never considers what Christ did.  The focus is totally on ME.  And, bottom line, I can not be good enough to earn God's love and blessings, either before or after salvation.  But, thank God is have a Savior who was good enough, who gave His perfect life for my imperfect one, who paid the price for ALL our sins (past, present and future) by becoming my sin, so that I could become His Righteousness.

If you are tired of working for God, burned out and feeling like you'll never measure up, never been good enough, and want to learn more about His grace and what Jesus actually accomplished for us, here are some great books that made a huge difference in my life.  Read them and see what God really thinks about you when you are His.

Grace Walk by Steve McVey
Grace On Tap by Eric Dykstra
It's All About Jesus: What They Never Told You In Church by D. R. Silva

Come to know His Grace.

The Hard Questions

Things have been difficult lately.  For a while now I've been dissatisfied with my life, but have been living in the idea that because of God there is hope for change, and when things change, then life will be better.  

• When my husband is saved, then he will spend more time with me and connect with me on a deeper, more intimate level.
• When the boys with autism are healed, then I'll be able to enjoy my children, then we'll be able to have the life I envisioned we'd have with kids.
• When I am finally free of food issues which result in being overweight, then I'll be able to do some of the things I miss doing now, like dancing.
• When all these things are "fixed" by God, then I'll be able to be happy.

But, see, I'd like to actually be happy now.  Having my happiness hinged on whether or not these things change, especially these things which would take a miracle in order to change, sucks.  But the church isn't a help, because I'm supposed to just BE HAPPY, if not because of my life as it is, because someday God will change things.  

I'm tired of just hanging on waiting for things to change.  I'm tired of feeling like my husband doesn't care about my emotions or what I need.  I'm tired of the amount of work it takes to just adequately parent my autistic sons, and I'm tired of hearing other people, other family members, tell me how hard my life is and do NOTHING to help.  I'm tired of just existing through the day, filling my day up with things that mean nothing because they are distracting me from how hard things really are.  And I'm tired of waiting for "someday" to come.

I keep asking God questions, and I keep looking for answers, so maybe I can get that second wind, that enthusiasm that this is all worth it.  And they are hard questions...like if I want the boys healed, and God wants the boys healed, why aren't they?  If my husband believing in God hinges on seeing Him intervene with our kids, why isn't that happening?  If God has a great ministry for me after the kids are healed and based on their healing (which has been spoken over me multiple times by well-meaning people), then why are we still waiting?  Why can't I get a breakthrough in any of the areas which are causing the most pain and heartache in my life?  And why, when I give of myself to everyone around me constantly, do they never give back?  

The church would tell me things aren't happening because I don't have enough faith, aren't good enough, aren't doing enough, etc., etc., etc.  If I would just believe more, pray more, do more, then I'd get the "breakthrough" in these areas.  But the problem with that is that there is always more you can do, no matter how much you do.  There have been times when I've bough into this, and was trying to earn God's goodness and blessings, and was actually afraid to have doubts, or fear, or sadness, because I was afraid of God snatching His blessings away from me, from my kids.  Because that's the kicker - if my behavior is what makes God bless me, then bad behavior would cause Him to withhold His blessings from me.  So the fear involved in this is that I could be doing well, "earning" healing for my boys, and with one moment of doubt or sadness or fear completely lose their healing, because I'm supposed to "have faith" and "hold fast" to the promised of God.  

But how much faith is "enough" faith?  Usually, when my kids are working toward earning something, they have a set goal in mind.  They know what they need to accomplish in order to earn the reward, and they know what will cause them to lose the reward as well.  Parameters are set so they know what to work toward, and so if they have a minor slip up they can correct for it and still make progress forward.  But with no parameters set on how much faith we need to have, how much good we need to do, how much prayer we need to pray, all failure can be placed squarely on our shoulders, because we didn't have "enough", based on nothing but the lack of breakthrough.  

It makes no sense.  Jesus came because we could not be "good" enough.  He had to come and do if for us if we were ever going to get back into relationship with the God who loves us.  We had an "earning" system in place before Jesus came, which we couldn't do.  He came and fulfilled the system, becoming our "gold star" on our paper as long as we accepted that He did it in our place, for us.  He's already taken the test and got 100%, and we get His grade.  We don't need to take the test again.  We have passed with flying colors, because His 100% is ours.  

God isn't testing us any more.  He's not waiting to see what grade we get in order to see what prize we deserve.  Jesus aced the test, and the reward is ours. 

I honestly am coming to the conclusion that the reason our breakthrough seems to be held back is because we think we're earning it in the first place.  

What have you been trying to earn from God?  Is there anything that you've been waiting for God to do that hasn't happened yet?  How do you hold on to the promises of God during the time of waiting?

Counseled By The Spirit

Today I wanted to share an experience I had yesterday during my time writing in my journal.  For me, my journal is the place where I meet with God, my "secret place", if you will.  It's where I both pour out my heart to Him and hear what He has to say, and it's where I pray whatever is on my heart.

For quite a while now I have been trapped in a cycle of resentment and unforgiveness toward someone from my past.  I've blamed them for things that both happened in the past and for things that effect me now, and I have repeatedly forgiven them, (or at least said I forgave them) because the unforgiveness was eating me up inside, and keeping me in bondage to things I just didn't want in my life.  But no matter how many times I tried to forgive them and move forward, I could not rid myself of the resentment I felt.  And every time I would sit down to write the hurt and anger would pour out of me onto the paper, a constant reminder that I hadn't actually successfully forgiven them.

Yesterday, I sat at my computer and wrote, and again, the hurt poured out from my fingers onto the page.  And in the midst of the pain, I cried out to God.  "Lord, please, I can't seem to really forgive this person!  Please help me - I don't want to hold on to this any more!"  And He answered, and His response surprised me - He told me to break an unhealthy soul tie with that person.

Now, if you are anything like me, you've heard a lot about soul ties in relation to sex outside of marriage.  Breaking soul ties, to me, seemed kind of silly, actually.  It had always seemed like something that was a "formula" created by man to give us something we could do to feel like we were free.  It never seemed like it actually did anything.  But by inspiration of Holy Spirit, I did just what He asked - I renounced the soul tie that had formed and thanked Jesus that it was completely broken.

Literally, in an instant, the hurt and anger and resentment that I had held against this person for years was gone.  Just, GONE.  I again forgave this person for the past, and instead of just saying I forgave them, I actually felt forgiveness rise up in me.  I started the prayer one way, feeling like I was never going to be able to let the hurt and anger go, and at the end, was completely free of it all.  Not only was I not holding things from the past against them, I was able to examine the things that had happened and see them with new eyes.  See that those thing which were hurtful had nothing to do with me, or my value.  My worth in God's eyes had nothing to do with this person's treatment of me in the past.

But the funny thing is that I would never have prayed to break a soul tie on my own - it was only though surrendering my own efforts in fixing this situation that I was able to hear what God needed to tell me.  He knew what was needed for me to be free - I did not.  And that makes me wonder, how many situations are we in that Holy Spirit wants to help us out of, but we're too busy trying to fix it ourselves to listen?  I had done what books, pastors and friends had told me to do.  I had forgiven this person, multiple times.  But I did not have the capacity to forgive because of the unnatural bond that had been created years ago, and Holy Spirit knew that once that was dealt with, everything else would fall into place.  But I had to get to the point where I stopped doing what other people told me would fix the situation and instead hear what God was saying.

So, what if we all stop trying to follow the "method" for a moment and really pay attention to what God is telling us to do?  Instead of reading a book that tells me how someone else got their breakthrough, maybe I should ask Holy Spirit to show me what I need to do to get MY breakthrough.  I am really starting to believe that He does know what is best for us, after all. 

Father, I pray today that we have open ears to hear what You are speaking.  I ask that everyone reading be able to hear and respond to what You are telling them to do about every situation in their lives.  I thank you Father, that we can find exactly what we need when we hear Your voice and stop listening to the many voices around us vying for our attention.  I pray for open ears and open hearts for Your people, God.  In Jesus' name, amen.

God Didn't Screw Up

Here's something I just wrote in my journal:

"Trying to make yourself into someone you are not is like telling God He screwed up when He created you."

Over the last week or so Holy Spirit has really been focusing on the fact that Christians are not meant to be a homogeneous group of people.  We are not meant to fit into a mold of the "mature Christian" and all act, talk, walk, and look alike.  And yet the church has been trying to get us to all "fit the mold" for ages.  We look at the pastor, or elders, or someone held in high esteem in our local assembly, and think that we should just be more like them.  They say they matured in God because they got up early at 4 am and read their Bible and prayed for 3 hours before work, and we have one of two reactions.

Reaction #1 - "I want to be like elder so-and-so, so if they grew to maturity by doing this, then I'm going to do it too!"  

Reaction #2 - "I can't get up and spend 3 hours reading the Bible and praying.  I'll NEVER be able to have as close a relationship with God as elder so-and so!"

In both reactions we see maturity in God reduced to a formula - elder so-and-so did "x" and got "y" result.  Therefore, if I do exactly what they did, I will get exactly what they got, and if I do not, I will not.  We also see limited, worldly thinking, in that we are limiting God to doing things only one way, because that's the way that worked for someone else.  

The other thing that I see in this type of reasoning is that we tend to take someone else's experience and allow it to carry more weight than what God is speaking to us.  We take something someone else did under inspiration of Holy Spirit, and make it into a formula that will work for anyone.  Then if the formula doesn't work for us, we wonder what we did wrong, instead of understanding that we are all created to be different.

I have done this for years.  Literally.  I limited my relationship with God because I thought that to really get close to Him and and walk in unity with Him I needed to do x,y, and z, and if I couldn't make those things happen, then I was out of luck.  I thought I needed to do all these things in a certain way, whether those things worked in my life or not, or God would withhold part of Himself from me because I wasn't doing it "right".

The other thing I've fallen prey to is thinking that the people of God are all supposed to be outgoing, friendly, talkative, bold extroverts who are happy all the time and want to be going and doing for God all the time.  Are there some people who absolutely are this way?  Sure!  But when you are a shy, quiet, smart introvert and your only example of people on fire for God are bold extroverts, it's really easy to think that you are broken, or that you just need to pretend in order to be effective for God.  It's really easy to hate who you are because you are not able to make yourself into someone different.  It's also really easy to be jealous and envious of those people for whom being extroverted is natural.  Especially since there is such a push to go out and evangelize the world, which to most of us means going out and doing things that most introverts are VERY uncomfortable doing.  

But I'm coming to realize that if we are called to be parts of the Body of Christ, we each have an individual part to fill.  We each have our part to play, and we each have something that we contribute, whether we are a people-person or a book nerd, whatever our personality or home life, no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in.  God is with us, and willing to reveal to us where we fit, if we just stop looking to others for answers and look to Him.  Holy Spirit will teach us not only who we are in Christ, but what we need to do to grow in Him, and what Christ looks like in US.

Father, I just ask for everyone reading today to get a fresh revelation of who You created them to be, and how You will use their gifts, talents, and abilities to transform the world around them.  I thank you Father that there is no one way, there are no limitations on You, and that You will work in our lives as we seek You.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

*I apologize if this seems scattered today - I was having a difficult time getting the thoughts from my mind to the page, probably because I mostly likely could write a book on this subject!

My once-a-year attempt to blog...

So, I'm back again - trying to do the thing that I want to do, but don't.  Hey, that's scriptural, right?

I do really want to blog because I know it would be rewarding for me to feel like I have a voice, even if it's read by only a couple of people.  To have someone who can understand my inner dialog, who I am, and what I think, because I sometime feel like I have no other outlet.  I can't talk about the awesome revelations I'm getting from God with my husband because he has no understanding of a relationship with God.  I can't share some of my heartache and struggles with people because they just don't "get" it.  But a blog, well, I can put it all out there, and people will either understand or they won't - but at least I'll get to put a "voice" to it.

And as I said in my first post over a year ago - this is purely about me, what I think, what I like, what I struggle with.  I'm not going to try to be funny, but there will be funny moments.  I'm not going to try to be deep, but I'm sure some deep revelations will show up at times.  I'm just going to write about what's going on with me, because I've come to realize that everyone has something interesting/important to say, even me.

So, let's see if I can make this work for longer than a couple days...