Why Works Doesn't Work

I spent many years with a works mentality, never feeling like I'd done enough for God.  Always searching out the next advice on how to "live right", "pray right", "read the Bible right" so that God would be pleased with me and have real relationship with me.  I always thought if I just did more that I'd have the kind of relationship with God that I wanted.  I'd start to see people healed when I prayed, and God would heal my kids, and make my life feel like it's worth something.

So I worked - I led book study groups, I discipled people, I ran a prayer meeting, and I was actively involved in our church leadership committee.  I was on the prayer team at church.  I read my Bible, prayed, fasted, and did everything that I was told I needed to do to get God to be pleased with me, and to earn His blessings.  I went to schools and conferences, hoping that this time will be the time that makes a difference in me, in my life.  Maybe if this prophet speaks over me, or that person lays hands on me, I'll get something that I was sure I did not have.  I was told to chase after God, to pursue Him, to hunger and thirst for Him, and I did - running here and there thinking this time my thirst will be quenched.  This time I'll walk away changed, different than I was before, more pleasing to God, able to be a "super-Christian" like the people who were running the conferences and schools I was attending.  I thought for sure if I just "ran the race well" and "pursued God" then certainly He'd eventually have to give me what I wanted, which was more of Him, more power, more authority.

Then my world was shattered.  I watched someone who I knew wasn't doing everything I was doing, wasn't reading their Bible, wasn't praying on a regular basis, wasn't even trying to chase God beyond attending a few services here and there get wrecked by God at an altar.  Never expecting anything beyond a simple prayer to make them feel better, God met them with His love, and they came out of that service different than they went in.  They got what I had worked so hard to earn, and in my mind they did not deserve it.  Or, at least, didn't I also deserve it?  I mean, I had been a "good" girl and done everything I knew to please God.  This is what I was told to do to get more of God, and yet, going to the same altar, at the same time, I left feeling exactly the same, and they left radically changed.

To be honest, there were a lot of months where this just didn't seem fair.  I wanted more of God so badly!  I had done everything every pastor and every book had told me to do to get more of Him!  I was angry, and my sense of justice was violated.  In my mind, I was the one who deserved more of God!  I had earned it!

After that came thoughts that maybe I'm just not important to God.  Maybe He really doesn't love me as much as other people, or maybe I'm supposed to just raise my family and take care of my husband.  Maybe I don't need more of God because I am going to live an average, dull, boring life.  Maybe all the thoughts in my head of being important to God, having a ministry, being "important" to Him were just pipe dreams.

Depression set in.  Maybe I really am not important.  Maybe I just need to try to be happy cleaning the house, taking care of the kids and husband, and stop pushing to be or have something more.  Maybe this is it for my life until I die.  No one cares what I think, what I know...especially not God.  It was a horrible time in my life, because I was watching my friend who had what I thought I wanted, and knowing that I didn't have it, and couldn't seem to make God give it to me, no matter how many classes or conferences I attended.

For a while I honestly gave up.  I doubted whether God really existed, at least for me, or whether everything I ever thought I'd experienced of Him was all in my mind.  I stopped reading, stopped praying, just lived in depression and hopelessness. I decided that if God did exist, He'd clearly shown me He didn't really care about me, because I'd done what everyone told me to do and was still waiting for something from Him.  Anything, really - any answered prayer to show that He did hear me would have sufficed.

But, instead of encouraging me to think that God had given me anything based on my performance, He led me to read a book on grace.  I had looked at this book on Amazon before, but I was so down, so burned out that I just could not pick up another Christian book.  But Holy Spirit kept highlighting it, kept pushing me to get it and read it, so I did.  And it changed my life.

I realized that all the time I was working to get "more" of God I had unbelief that I actually had Him.  I still thought God was somewhere "out there", and I needed to beg and plead to get Him to show up.  My efforts to get more of Him were worthless, because He'd given me all of Himself when I first believed.  And, in fact, my works were not pleasing to Him, because I was doing them out of unbelief.  Instead of believing what Jesus accomplished for me, I was relying on myself to be able to earn right-standing with God.

This is why I fight so hard that His scandalous grace is so much better than our good behavior and law-keeping.  I almost walked away from God because counting on works doesn't work.  It either leaves you feeling like you have never done enough, or it makes you feel superior to other people because in your mind you have done more.  But it's totally based on what I do, and never considers what Christ did.  The focus is totally on ME.  And, bottom line, I can not be good enough to earn God's love and blessings, either before or after salvation.  But, thank God is have a Savior who was good enough, who gave His perfect life for my imperfect one, who paid the price for ALL our sins (past, present and future) by becoming my sin, so that I could become His Righteousness.

If you are tired of working for God, burned out and feeling like you'll never measure up, never been good enough, and want to learn more about His grace and what Jesus actually accomplished for us, here are some great books that made a huge difference in my life.  Read them and see what God really thinks about you when you are His.

Grace Walk by Steve McVey
Grace On Tap by Eric Dykstra
It's All About Jesus: What They Never Told You In Church by D. R. Silva

Come to know His Grace.

The Hard Questions

Things have been difficult lately.  For a while now I've been dissatisfied with my life, but have been living in the idea that because of God there is hope for change, and when things change, then life will be better.  

• When my husband is saved, then he will spend more time with me and connect with me on a deeper, more intimate level.
• When the boys with autism are healed, then I'll be able to enjoy my children, then we'll be able to have the life I envisioned we'd have with kids.
• When I am finally free of food issues which result in being overweight, then I'll be able to do some of the things I miss doing now, like dancing.
• When all these things are "fixed" by God, then I'll be able to be happy.

But, see, I'd like to actually be happy now.  Having my happiness hinged on whether or not these things change, especially these things which would take a miracle in order to change, sucks.  But the church isn't a help, because I'm supposed to just BE HAPPY, if not because of my life as it is, because someday God will change things.  

I'm tired of just hanging on waiting for things to change.  I'm tired of feeling like my husband doesn't care about my emotions or what I need.  I'm tired of the amount of work it takes to just adequately parent my autistic sons, and I'm tired of hearing other people, other family members, tell me how hard my life is and do NOTHING to help.  I'm tired of just existing through the day, filling my day up with things that mean nothing because they are distracting me from how hard things really are.  And I'm tired of waiting for "someday" to come.

I keep asking God questions, and I keep looking for answers, so maybe I can get that second wind, that enthusiasm that this is all worth it.  And they are hard questions...like if I want the boys healed, and God wants the boys healed, why aren't they?  If my husband believing in God hinges on seeing Him intervene with our kids, why isn't that happening?  If God has a great ministry for me after the kids are healed and based on their healing (which has been spoken over me multiple times by well-meaning people), then why are we still waiting?  Why can't I get a breakthrough in any of the areas which are causing the most pain and heartache in my life?  And why, when I give of myself to everyone around me constantly, do they never give back?  

The church would tell me things aren't happening because I don't have enough faith, aren't good enough, aren't doing enough, etc., etc., etc.  If I would just believe more, pray more, do more, then I'd get the "breakthrough" in these areas.  But the problem with that is that there is always more you can do, no matter how much you do.  There have been times when I've bough into this, and was trying to earn God's goodness and blessings, and was actually afraid to have doubts, or fear, or sadness, because I was afraid of God snatching His blessings away from me, from my kids.  Because that's the kicker - if my behavior is what makes God bless me, then bad behavior would cause Him to withhold His blessings from me.  So the fear involved in this is that I could be doing well, "earning" healing for my boys, and with one moment of doubt or sadness or fear completely lose their healing, because I'm supposed to "have faith" and "hold fast" to the promised of God.  

But how much faith is "enough" faith?  Usually, when my kids are working toward earning something, they have a set goal in mind.  They know what they need to accomplish in order to earn the reward, and they know what will cause them to lose the reward as well.  Parameters are set so they know what to work toward, and so if they have a minor slip up they can correct for it and still make progress forward.  But with no parameters set on how much faith we need to have, how much good we need to do, how much prayer we need to pray, all failure can be placed squarely on our shoulders, because we didn't have "enough", based on nothing but the lack of breakthrough.  

It makes no sense.  Jesus came because we could not be "good" enough.  He had to come and do if for us if we were ever going to get back into relationship with the God who loves us.  We had an "earning" system in place before Jesus came, which we couldn't do.  He came and fulfilled the system, becoming our "gold star" on our paper as long as we accepted that He did it in our place, for us.  He's already taken the test and got 100%, and we get His grade.  We don't need to take the test again.  We have passed with flying colors, because His 100% is ours.  

God isn't testing us any more.  He's not waiting to see what grade we get in order to see what prize we deserve.  Jesus aced the test, and the reward is ours. 

I honestly am coming to the conclusion that the reason our breakthrough seems to be held back is because we think we're earning it in the first place.  

What have you been trying to earn from God?  Is there anything that you've been waiting for God to do that hasn't happened yet?  How do you hold on to the promises of God during the time of waiting?

What is being led by the Spirit? - Part 1

I've been thinking a lot today about what it means to walk in the Spirit, or be led by the Spirit on a day by day, hour by hour basis.  The big question for me, is whether it's a one time process that happens when I receive the Spirit, or is it ongoing?  And do we have a choice in whether we are led by the Spirit, or is it automatic because the Spirit of Christ lives in us?

Here are some things I know are true - we don't get "more" of God because we are doing good works - the fullness of Christ dwells in us at the moment we receive Him.  There isn't anything I can do to get more of God, because He's become one spirit with me.  So I have the fullness of God living and dwelling with me.

But, we also know that God gave us the free will to be able to make choices.  So, is my one choice to receive Christ all it takes?  Or do I need to choose, moment by moment, to allow Him to be the dominant force instead of ruling out of my own mind, will, and emotions?

If we're talking about getting to Heaven, yes, it's a once and done deal.  I am Heaven bound because at that moment God literally binds His Spirit to my spirit, and God hates divorce.  But as for actually being led by the Spirit, I honestly think that we have a choice.  The choice doesn't effect our end result - we will be in His presence for eternity whether we choose to be Spirit-led or not - but does effect our lives right now.

Now, this is not a works mentality.  It's not a forced behavior, saying I need to act "right" in order to be pleasing to God, or to get God to love me.  I'm not saying that if you want to receive "x" blessing from God, you need to do "y", and if you don't do it well enough then God won't give you "x".  I lived that life for long enough, believing that somehow we were "purchasing" God's blessings by good behavior, and if we didn't get what the Bible said we would get, then we were messing up, somehow.  It turns God into a vending machine, strips away His power, and puts all the power in the hands of the person.

But, obviously, there are a lot of people walking around this world who know God but are walking around living the same life they always did.  The only evidence of God in their lives is that they go to church on Sunday.  And most of them are hurting - pain from years before, pain from their lives now, hurts and betrayals and anger and frustration.  Fear and depression still reign in their lives
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What is the answer?  How do we help people walk out of sadness and into joy?  A lot of us have though that if we just pretend to be joyful, to have the "joy of the Lord" around other Christians, God will see our attempts and decide that we actually deserve to experience what we are play-acting.  We put on masks and talk "faith" in God for health, joy, peace, love, and all the other things the Bible says we should have because we are Christians.  We say all the right things, we do all the right things, and eventually we burn out, because saying and doing doesn't actually create what we ultimately desire.  I don't want to act loving - I want to experience love.  I don't want to seem joyful to other people - I want to actually feel joy.  I don't want to say I forgive - I want to have the hurts healed internally so that I can mean what I say.

And that's really what we all want - we just don't seem to know how to get it.

So, I've been posing this question to God - how do we access the reality of being led by the Spirit? How do we experience the exchange our ashes for His beauty, our mourning for His joy?  I don't have a fully-formed answer right now - but stick with me for the next few days and we'll see what He reveals.

Individual Gifts and Talents

Today I've been thinking about the charismatic church experience, which is what I'm most familiar with, and something has been highlighted to me by Holy Spirit which I never quite saw this way before.  Here's the scripture that got me started down this road:

"Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other. In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly." -Romans 12:4-8

We are each part of the body of Christ.  We each have special gifts and talents, and we each need to be equipped to fulfill our particular role.  We are not supposed to fulfill the same role many times over, we are each called to be something different from anyone else around us.  We say we understand this, and yet how much of the time are we comparing ourselves to each other?  We see someone touched at the altar and think that they have something that we don't have because they fell down under the anointing of the Spirit and we didn't.  Or they gave a word in tongues and interpreted during a church service and we've never done that, so we think they are some how better than we are, more loved by God, more anointed, etc.  We think that in order to be more valuable in the Kingdom of God we need to do what someone we look up to is doing.

And yet, in this passage of scripture, some of the gifts listed don't seem that impressive.  Prophesy, yes, that's something we all want and go after.  But serving others?  Like, offering to clean the church, or working in the kitchen, or watching the babies while their parents are in the main church service?  Encouraging others?  Giving? Showing kindness?  How are these important gifts? We don't see them as having value in the Kingdom of God because they seem too easy.  Out of the list of 7, we only think there is true honor in 3 of them: prophesy, teaching, and leadership, and somehow we think we have to fit ourselves into one of these 3 or we're not being effective for the Kingdom of God.  We all think in order to really do something for God we need to be a leader in some way.  We need to fall into one of the 5-fold ministry positions.  Usually the first thing someone who's on fire for God wants to do is go into full-time ministry.

Where did this idea come from?  Certainly not from God, because here equal value is placed on all the gifts, even those gifts that we think are easy, like encouraging others, or giving.  We have equated being effective for God as standing up in front of people.  You've "made it" if you've got a pulpit from which to speak.  But I don't need a pulpit to be a giver.  I don't need to pulpit to encourage others.  I don't need a pulpit to be kind to the people around me.  And apparently, to God, those gifts are just as vitally important as being a leader or a prophet.

So the question then is, when are we going to start valuing each other for what gifts and talents we are bringing to the Body of Christ?  And when are we going to see the value in ourselves?

*Not a Real Post

This isn't a real blog post.  Today has been fairly busy - I had mentoring class this morning and then when I got home this afternoon my kids have been at each other (summer boredom comes around fast!), so I haven't had much time to gather my thoughts.  I figured I'd just get on and tell you about what I'm pondering about with God today, because that is as organized as it's going to get.

1. What does it really look like to stand in faith?
2. What does spiritual maturity really look like?
3. How do we maintain our connection with God even when things get chaotic in our lives?
4. How do we continue to support one another when prayers go unanswered?

I'm hoping that perhaps tomorrow I'll have something to say about at least one of these topics, because right now my thoughts are too muddled!

God Didn't Screw Up

Here's something I just wrote in my journal:

"Trying to make yourself into someone you are not is like telling God He screwed up when He created you."

Over the last week or so Holy Spirit has really been focusing on the fact that Christians are not meant to be a homogeneous group of people.  We are not meant to fit into a mold of the "mature Christian" and all act, talk, walk, and look alike.  And yet the church has been trying to get us to all "fit the mold" for ages.  We look at the pastor, or elders, or someone held in high esteem in our local assembly, and think that we should just be more like them.  They say they matured in God because they got up early at 4 am and read their Bible and prayed for 3 hours before work, and we have one of two reactions.

Reaction #1 - "I want to be like elder so-and-so, so if they grew to maturity by doing this, then I'm going to do it too!"  

Reaction #2 - "I can't get up and spend 3 hours reading the Bible and praying.  I'll NEVER be able to have as close a relationship with God as elder so-and so!"

In both reactions we see maturity in God reduced to a formula - elder so-and-so did "x" and got "y" result.  Therefore, if I do exactly what they did, I will get exactly what they got, and if I do not, I will not.  We also see limited, worldly thinking, in that we are limiting God to doing things only one way, because that's the way that worked for someone else.  

The other thing that I see in this type of reasoning is that we tend to take someone else's experience and allow it to carry more weight than what God is speaking to us.  We take something someone else did under inspiration of Holy Spirit, and make it into a formula that will work for anyone.  Then if the formula doesn't work for us, we wonder what we did wrong, instead of understanding that we are all created to be different.

I have done this for years.  Literally.  I limited my relationship with God because I thought that to really get close to Him and and walk in unity with Him I needed to do x,y, and z, and if I couldn't make those things happen, then I was out of luck.  I thought I needed to do all these things in a certain way, whether those things worked in my life or not, or God would withhold part of Himself from me because I wasn't doing it "right".

The other thing I've fallen prey to is thinking that the people of God are all supposed to be outgoing, friendly, talkative, bold extroverts who are happy all the time and want to be going and doing for God all the time.  Are there some people who absolutely are this way?  Sure!  But when you are a shy, quiet, smart introvert and your only example of people on fire for God are bold extroverts, it's really easy to think that you are broken, or that you just need to pretend in order to be effective for God.  It's really easy to hate who you are because you are not able to make yourself into someone different.  It's also really easy to be jealous and envious of those people for whom being extroverted is natural.  Especially since there is such a push to go out and evangelize the world, which to most of us means going out and doing things that most introverts are VERY uncomfortable doing.  

But I'm coming to realize that if we are called to be parts of the Body of Christ, we each have an individual part to fill.  We each have our part to play, and we each have something that we contribute, whether we are a people-person or a book nerd, whatever our personality or home life, no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in.  God is with us, and willing to reveal to us where we fit, if we just stop looking to others for answers and look to Him.  Holy Spirit will teach us not only who we are in Christ, but what we need to do to grow in Him, and what Christ looks like in US.

Father, I just ask for everyone reading today to get a fresh revelation of who You created them to be, and how You will use their gifts, talents, and abilities to transform the world around them.  I thank you Father that there is no one way, there are no limitations on You, and that You will work in our lives as we seek You.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

*I apologize if this seems scattered today - I was having a difficult time getting the thoughts from my mind to the page, probably because I mostly likely could write a book on this subject!

"Greasy Grace" - Why I Don't Agree

Greasy grace - boy, do I hate that term.  It's most often heard from the people in the church who are most afraid that giving extravagant grace will allow people to just do whatever they want.  My question is, if it's the love of Christ that constrains us (2 Corinthians 5:14), then if someone is actually walking in relationship with God they won't want to do the things that we consider "sin".  Plus, we can't crucify sin without Christ - we don't have the ability or the power to do it for ourselves.  I can know that I shouldn't do something, and actually not want to do it, but trying to change in my own power and ability is virtually useless.  People don't like to preach that type of grace - that nothing is being held against you any longer and Christ has paid ALL THE PRICE needed for you to come into relationship with God - because of fear.  It's totally and completely fear based - if we tell people that they don't have to pay a price through their behavior then they won't change their behavior, and we'll have drunks and druggies and gays and all manner of sinner in our church!  Then we'll have to deal with these people in love!  And we'll need to explain their behavior to our kids!  It's fear of those different than us, and it's why we've tried to homogenize the church.  We've put forward the idea that we all need to look the same, act the same, follow the same rules, and then we can be unified in love.  But we aren't all the same.  We don't all have the same struggles, but we do all have struggles.  We all have areas of sin in our lives that we can not overcome unless Jesus helps us.  Things that we have tried to conquer on our own over and over and over again and failed miserably each time.  

The thing is that each failure actually tends to push us away from God instead of toward Him, because we feel like it's our responsibility to clean ourselves up to make us worthy of His attention and love.  But nothing could be further from the truth.  The Father wants us to come with Him with a clear understanding that we can not fix ourselves, and submit ourselves to His love and mercy so that He, as the Master Potter, can.

Father, I ask today that you give us a more complete understanding of Your grace for us.  I ask for each reader that You come in and do the work in them that they can not do themselves.  We ask together that Your hands be on us, molding and shaping us into the people You created us to be.  And we thank you that there is NOTHING that can separate us from Your love and mercy.  Nothing stands in the way of our relationship with You in Christ.  Thank you for your love.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

The Holy Temple of the Lord

Today I feel like I need to do something a little different.  A couple of days ago, the Lord illuminated some scriptures in Ephesians and dropped some tidbits of revelation from them on me, and I'd like to share what He showed me with you.  First off, here are the scriptures for reference:

"God has put all things under the authority of Christ and has made him head over all things for the benefit of the church. And the church is his body; it is made full and complete by Christ, who fills all things everywhere with himself." - Ephesians 1:22-23 NLT

"God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." -Ephesians 2:8-10 NLT

"Together, we are his house, built on the foundation of the apostles and the prophets. And the cornerstone is Christ Jesus himself. We are carefully joined together in him, becoming a holy temple for the Lord." - Ephesians 2:20-21 NLT

So I've underlined the points in the scriptures that had jumped off the page at me, and here's the revelation as I wrote it in my journal:

We are God's masterpiece - we are made full and complete by Christ, who fills all things with himself.  We are carefully joined together in him, becoming a holy temple for the Lord.  

We are each individual bricks in the building of the Lord - God is creating and forming and putting us together in such a way that we make a holy temple for the Lord.  We are held together by Christ, who comes in and fills up our cracks and binds us together - He is the mortar which holds all of us (His church) together.  We are made a complete temple for God through Christ.  Without the mortar of Christ we would not be able to stand together, and in fact would not fit together, because he comes in and fills all the spaces and gaps between us.  Where we may not meet eye to eye with each other, Christ comes in and fills that gap so that we can be bound together in love.  He who is Love fills our gaps, so we need not be bound only with those who are similar to us, but those who are different can be built into the same structure, because He fills in all the areas where we don't meet.

A brick wall is built out of items of similar shape and size.  A stone wall is built out of separate pieces of stone which may not all be uniform, but are of the same type.  You would not mix bricks and stone, let alone bricks, stone, gravel, cinder block, etc. in the same wall.  But Christ fills our gaps and differences with Himself, and we who are varied and different can become a single structure, strong and bound together in love, without having to be similar.  God Himself knows where we fit in His masterpiece called the Body of Christ.  

The biggest thing I got out of this revelation is that we really don't need to be the same.  We are not called to be like anyone other than Christ, and in fact, the only requirement to do that is to be Love.  It doesn't mean conforming ourselves into carbon copies of each other, but to be fully ourselves, the person who God created.  We are each individual, unique, and yet, in Christ, we are bound together into something amazing.  Let's learn to be ourselves instead of trying to "fit" into a mold where we don't belong.

Jesus Paid the Highest Price

I don't have a lot to say today.  My kids are all wound up and I've not had more than 5 minutes to myself since I got home from my class this morning, so hopefully I can quiet things down and focus enough to hear what Holy Spirit is speaking for everyone out there who's reading.  I know that Holy Spirit can work through me even in these types of situations, so I'm going to have to trust in faith that He'll give me what needs to be said.

Father, thank you for your presence.  I thank you that you have something to say to those who read this blog today, and I ask you to move in me and speak through me what you desire to say.  

"I love my children.  I am not angry with them, nor am I disgusted with the sin that plagues their lives over and over again.  Jesus came for them.  I sent Jesus to the cross because it was My good pleasure to do so for my kids.  I just desire that they come to Me, knowing I love them.  Jesus paid the price, He paved the way for you to run into My lap and for Me to be your Father.  He took all the blame, He paid every price necessary, so that you can walk into my presence clean, spotless, and holy.  Accept His sacrifice as payment for not just your sin, but your life.  Your life is not your own, but it is Jesus in you who lives.  Let Me live in you and through you in My power.  I hold nothing against you - I am for you."

I pray that this blesses you and accomplished what the Father intends.  In Jesus' name, amen.

New Format, same Mina

Today begins a new chapter in the life of this "unable to fly" blog.  God has really been speaking to me about writing in general, and about having a gifting and anointing as a prophetic scribe able to write down the things He's talking to me about.  He encouraging me both in my writing for personal use (my journal) and for the benefit of other people.  In the past I always felt like what I was writing here had to be about me - I had to somehow make my life meaningful to other people, or be able to teach through the stories of my life, or be at least entertaining in what I was writing.  But now I really feel like this blog, in all the years I've had it, has been building up to this.  Building up to a point where this vague urge to blog made sense.

So, I'm going to try to get on and write what God has for me to write once every day.  I feel that it's something He's urging me to do, both for my own benefit, and for the benefit of others.  It's not that I think that I have the only voice; obviously that's not the case.  Or that I'm looking for a title "Prophetic Scribe Mina".  But, if I've been gifted in this area, I desire to use it, instead of telling God that I'm not worthy of the gifts He's given me.  I've done that for too long.

I'll put the prophetic word for the day in italics, only so you can tell where my rambling breaks off and the voice of Holy Spirit begins.  I pray that whatever He has to say to those of you reading this edifies, exhorts, and comforts you.

July 8, 2013: 

"Today is the day for the new - new beginnings, new adventures, new relationships.  Today I have new things for my people - a new word if you take the time to hear it.  It's a day of refreshing those things which are old and bringing them into a newness of life.  Taking what seems to be falling apart and making  it shine with My glory.  Taking what seems hopeless and shining the light of hope upon it.  All those things which you thought were dead are now coming alive in My power.  Coming to life, from the brink of death.  Becoming exactly what I have planned for them.  It's a day for My breath to come in and breathe on those things which are dark and crumbling in your life.  Can I not do this?  Can I not bring life where there is death?  Can I not make right what is wrong?  Can I not make things switch in an instant?  My power raised Christ from the dead, and my Spirit, full of power, rests in you.  Let me make those dry things lush with new greenery.  Allow me to grow your garden into fresh, green sprigs.  Let me tend the dry places, the arid places, and make them lush and fertile again.  Today is the day for new rain to fall.  Today is the day for life to come.  Today is the day I have good things for you, if you dare to only believe."

Father, I thank you for these words.  And I pray, agreeing with everyone who will read this, that this is their day for the new in You.  I pray that the people that read this grab hold and run with it, knowing that these promises are for them, because they read it and received it with joy.  I thank you that they need only believe in your goodness to receive it.  I ask that everyone who reads this word would experience this newness and refreshing in their lives today.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

This is going to be the general format for the future, unless Holy Spirit instructs me otherwise.  I look forward to seeing where God is going to take me, as well as everyone who reads this word, directly from the Heart of the Father to his children.

Dead Or Alive?

One of the hardest things I tend to deal with in my Christian walk is the highs and the lows.  One day, I'm doing God-related stuff, hanging out with Christian friends, talking about what God is showing me and discussing the scriptures, and I'm on a high.  This is who I am, this is what I'm supposed to be doing, and I have hope and joy and fun.  I feel connected to God, feel like I'm hearing His voice, and am sure that this time, THIS TIME, I'm not going to lose it.  I'm going to be able to hold on to it forever.

And a day passes, and I wake up and have a conversation with God that goes something like this: "Father, thank you for being with me, thank you that today I will stay in constant communication with You, and that I'll walk out the path You have set before me, in Jesus' name.  Amen.".  But, that day I have no classes planned, no Christian friends to hang out with, and by lunchtime I'm sitting at my computer, thinking that I've run out of things to do with God.  Thinking that Jesus feels a little more distant, a little more quiet, a little, I don't know, LESS in my life than He did yesterday, or even earlier in the day.  He doesn't seem to mesh with this life, the life of spending time on the computer by myself while my husband works upstairs.  The life where there is no one else within earshot to talk to about Jesus, or at least no one who wants to hear it or would understand what I am saying.  The life that is spent taking care of the house and the children virtually by myself.  It's not that Jesus isn't still here with me - no, it's that somehow I often feel like two different people.  There is the home-version of Mina, the one who spends most of her time alone, who doesn't really talk much about God because she doesn't want her husband to feel like she's trying to force Jesus down his throat; and then there is the Mina who shows up when she is safe and free to be everything she really is.  Who speaks to her Christian friends without fear, even when what she is saying is challenging to their faith.  Even when what she is saying isn't the popular way of looking at things.  The Mina who is able to hear God's voice and able to walk in communion with Him, and through whom God speaks.

The hardest thing is that it's this Mina, the one who shows up when I'm with other Christians, that I really am.  The one who is excited to talk about the things that God is showing her, the one who is willing to challenge the status quo in the Church, the one who loves to be around other people and talk about what God is doing.  That's who I am, and yet I spend most of my time in my life being the other Mina - the one with the husband who doesn't really even understand relationships, let alone understand that who he is seeing isn't really who I am.  Most of my time is spent waiting until that one or two days a week where I get a chance to get with other people who actually understand what is coming out of my mouth when I speak about relationship with God through Christ.

It's a crappy way to live, but it's not my husbands fault.  It's partially my fault, and partially just the circumstances I find myself in.  I've stopped myself from being who I really am because my husband doesn't understand it.  I'm not sure if it's fear of rejection if he really knew who I was (no, that's not true - it totally started out because of fear of rejection), or if it's now just because I want him to feel comfortable talking to me about God and faith and so I don't want to make him feel like I'm trying to convert him, but it's really uncomfortable to live as two different people.

The most interesting thing to me is that I don't feel masked at all when I'm with my inner circle of friends who know Christ.  I don't feel false at all.  Everything I say, everything I do, everything I feel is genuinely me.  It's who I am at this moment in Christ.  What I say now, or my understanding of truth now may change 10 days from now, but I'm always honestly me.

At home, even when I speak to my Christian friends, I feel the need to tread lightly in what I say.  Don't go too overboard in praying for someone who really needs prayer.  Don't say too loudly that you know that God's will is always to heal, especially since your husband knows your two boys are not healed yet.  Don't talk too much as if you actually think that the Bible is the inspired Word of God, or that Jesus actually was God in flesh.  Read the Bible, that's fine. Pray and talk to God in your head, because then you can't be heard.  Type in your journal.  Don't be too fanatical.  Stay the wife he thought he was getting when he married you, rather than the wife you truly are right now.  Keep your mask in place - he won't know the difference.  And quietly lose your connection to God over that time, not because God left, but because you did.  By keeping this mask on my face for my husband, I raise the dead and walk her around, and then wonder why I feel dead inside.  Wonder why I feel alive in fellowship and dead at home.  When I'm in fellowship with other believers I'm the new creation - fully alive, fully free, fully connected with God.  At home I'm trying to be that dead woman - the one who died with Christ.  I was her, but I'm not any longer, so it's no wonder it's uncomfortable trying to be her.

See, I don't want to be her - I really don't.  I want to be who God has created me to be.  But I've seen what has happened in friends' marriages when one has caught onto God and run with Him, and the other hasn't, even if both spouses were born again.  Even if both spouses were professing Christ as Savior and were attending church together.  I've seen the strife it's caused, and wondered how much worse will it be in mine, seeing as my husband doesn't even believe at all?  How much harder will it be to live my life as I want to with a spouse who hasn't even made it into spiritual Kindergarten?

And honestly, there is fear that he won't know how to handle me and he'll walk away if I'm not the woman he expects me to be.  I know that the reality is that if he did leave, it would be hard, but I would survive.  I would live through it, and come out stronger on the other side.  But, I don't want him to leave.  I don't want to try to single-parent my children.  I don't want to be alone.  And more than that, I do want him to come to Christ.  I do love him, and I do see the treasures God created in him.  I see the man he truly is, the man who will be expressed in Christ, and I desperately want to see that man, to know that man, to love that man.  I want him to not only tolerate my faith - I want him to understand it.  The passionate discussions I have with friends I want to have with my husband.  I want to be able to start my conversations with "I feel like God's teaching me..." and have that completely understood.  I want to pray with him instead of just for him.  I want him to understand me and know me.  I want him to be able to see me through God's eyes.

My faith says my husband will believe if I just hang in here.  But I honestly don't know if I can continue to be two different people any longer - and I don't know if I should.

Yup, I'm crap at this blogging thing...

Oh, well, I guess I'll post when I feel like it.  Trying to keep myself stay "on track" isn't working. 

Of course, today I do feel like I have something to say.  Something that is nagging inside me that I want to talk about, but have no one to talk to.  See, it's a spiritual thing - and my hubs doesn't "get" it.  He doesn't understand anything pertaining to Christ or why this is so important to me, so he's out as a candidate of someone to talk to.  And my Christian friends, well, they are tied up doing other things.  Plus, sometimes I wonder if they actually understand what I'm talking about either.  Well, I know some people do understand - but then there are others who look at me as if I have three heads.

Our sermon today really sparked some "stuff" in my heart and mind.  Namely, that I've not been living my whole life for God - that I want to live for Him, but that I seldom actually do it.  I fill my life up with lots of other stuff - stuff that doesn't reap any reward other than filling my time and possibly entertaining me.  And I HATE it.  I know what I'm spending the majority of my time doing makes no impact on anyone's life - even mine.  It doesn't feel enjoyable, even.  It all just feels empty. 

And the thing that gets me is that I know it's empty, and yet I still continue in this manner.  I still miss reading my Bible regularly - I still miss finding time, any time, to pray.  I know how to keep God present in my life, to defer to the leading of the Holy Spirit instead of listening to what I want.  I know that I need to put God first in my life.  But I don't do it.

Is it fear that's keeping me from really walking with God on a daily basis?  I think that is part of it, because I do fear my husband thinking I'm crazy, or weird, or maybe deciding that he wants nothing to do with me if I'm the "crazy Christian lady" which he looks down upon.  But at the same time, I think it's also me wanting to reap the benefits of God without actually having to do anything.  To be able to just have the blessings without having to actually give up anything.  And that's just not how it works.

I want to be willing to put God first - not just saying that I'm putting Him first, but actually walking that out.  Truthfully, I want more.  I want more of Him, more of an experience of Him, and to know Him more.  I want more out of life than feeling like I'm just biding my time, waiting for who-knows-what...for something better.  I want better NOW , and that is only going to be found by following Him and doing what He's called me to do.

I feel like I keep coming back to this place - unsatisfied with my relationship with God, wanting more, and then falling back into old patterns.  This especially gets bad when I'm left alone, without other Christian people to talk to - which happens from time to time.  I want more, but I don't know how to get more.  Lord, show me how to actually walk with You daily - to be in and stay in relationship with You - and what it looks like to put You first in my life, above everything else, especially my wants and desires.  Show me how to be the person you are calling me to be.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

It's Book Review Time!

Ok, so I figured I'd do a book review from time to time here, to share what I'm reading and how it's impacted my life.  Today's book is Fasting by Jentezen Franklin.

I have to say I read this book a little more than a year ago, and it made a big impact on me.  I hadn't really understood the impact of fasting on my life, or on my relationship with God, or really why I should fast.  In the Church today, fasting is something we often talk about but few of us actually do, mostly because we don't understand the power in it.  This book changes that, and it really helped me to figure out not only how to go about fasting, but why it's important. 

The book is written in a very readable style, and the information included is very easy to understand.  It's a pretty quick read, also, but you'll want to take your time to really absorb all the information included.  And I have to say, it motivated me to take on a 3 day fast, which is something I hadn't even considered before this.

On a scale of 1 to 5, I'd have to give it a 4. 

And Off We Go

So, it's Monday, which means kids are off to school again!  After being trapped in the house all weekend with the kids (it wasn't nice enough to play outside) I can't tell you the relief I feel in sending the two big boys off to school.  Monday morning is always my time to recuperate from the weekend, and I tend to not amount to much.  I generally goof off for the morning, checking my email, playing around on Facebook, and just generally ignoring the messy house, the dishes piled in the sink, and anything I really should be doing.  Then, generally Monday afternoon is the time that I recover my house.  Or, otherwise known as the PIT.  If the kids are outside all weekend the house generally isn't too bad - but trap them in the house for a couple of days with nothing much to do and it looks like a tornado hit it.

So, that's my plan for the day - doesn't sound too exciting, does it?  And it's not, really.  I'd like to be doing something more meaningful in my day, but I'm still in the process of figuring out what that would be right now, without any of my circumstances changing.  What can I do right now that will make a difference in the world?  Here are the things I can think of that I can do right now, today, to feel like I'm doing something of worth.

• Pray - spending time in prayer, talking to God about both the little things and the big things.  Prayer is powerful, life changing, and helps our connection and relationship with God.  And it's something that can be done while doing other things - I can clean the house and still have a conversation with God.
• Read my Bible - this is something that I'm not very good at.  I'm great at looking up scripture when I'm in need of something (topical searching), but not so good at having a regular habit of reading every day.  I can't say I've ever even been able to read through the whole New Testament once, although probably over the last 18 years of being saved I've read most of it.  It's something I want to do, but I seem to get sidetracked easily.  Maybe it's something I need to focus on.
• Talk to Christian friends - this may not seem like something of importance, but for me, connecting with other people, especially those who can speak into my life, is really vital.  Relationship is something that is really important to me, and something that I tend to lose quite easily.  I tend to isolate myself when I feel like I'm slipping away from God, rather than running to my friends for help.  I need to be better about staying connected.
• Read, watch, listen to things that will build my faith - I've got tons of books on my bookshelf waiting to be read.  I've got things to listen to or watch that will help build me up.  And yet I goof off on Facebook instead of goofing off doing something that will actually be helpful to me in the long run.  Not sure why this is.

So, there are a few things I can do to make my day feel meaningful, and it doesn't require a saved husband or healed kids.  (Not that I wouldn't love to have those things, and not that I don't believe those things are coming, but I can't live my life just waiting for those circumstances.)  Now I just need to take my own advice and DO them.

What this is...

So, here we go again. See, I've started a few blogs, that have fallen by the wayside. Each time I started I had an idea of what I was going to cover in those blogs, see? It was going to be solely Christian ministry, or solely parenting, or funny, or whatever. But each time I've given it up, mostly after a couple of posts, because it really wasn't about ME, it really wasn't about my life. It was about who I wanted to portray myself to be, rather than who I was. It was about trying to be the best me in my blog that I could be, rather than being real, being honest. And I couldn't make it work - I couldn't censor out those things that weren't pretty, or funny, or holy.

So, I'm trying again, except this time I'm just going to be me. I'll talk about my Christian walk, to be sure, but this isn't really a Christian blog. I'll talk about being a mommy, but it's not really a mommy blog. I'll talk about parenting two autistic sons, but it's not really a blog about autism. I'm going to just try to be real - try to talk about my life, my relationships, my spirituality, and my struggles to balance all those things and more. And when I fall down, when I miss it, when I am certainly "of the world" rather than just in it, then I'll be honest here. I'm going to try to be who I am, and show here my struggles and my triumphs, my highs and my lows, and maybe, just maybe, it will touch someone's life in a meaningful way. Maybe another mom of autistic kids won't feel alone. Maybe another Christian who struggles just like me to stay connected to God's will for their life will be comforted to know they aren't alone. Maybe just being honest in who I am will help someone else feel ok to be honest about themselves, as well. And maybe through this I can also learn to be ok with who I am. Who knows?