God Didn't Screw Up

Here's something I just wrote in my journal:

"Trying to make yourself into someone you are not is like telling God He screwed up when He created you."

Over the last week or so Holy Spirit has really been focusing on the fact that Christians are not meant to be a homogeneous group of people.  We are not meant to fit into a mold of the "mature Christian" and all act, talk, walk, and look alike.  And yet the church has been trying to get us to all "fit the mold" for ages.  We look at the pastor, or elders, or someone held in high esteem in our local assembly, and think that we should just be more like them.  They say they matured in God because they got up early at 4 am and read their Bible and prayed for 3 hours before work, and we have one of two reactions.

Reaction #1 - "I want to be like elder so-and-so, so if they grew to maturity by doing this, then I'm going to do it too!"  

Reaction #2 - "I can't get up and spend 3 hours reading the Bible and praying.  I'll NEVER be able to have as close a relationship with God as elder so-and so!"

In both reactions we see maturity in God reduced to a formula - elder so-and-so did "x" and got "y" result.  Therefore, if I do exactly what they did, I will get exactly what they got, and if I do not, I will not.  We also see limited, worldly thinking, in that we are limiting God to doing things only one way, because that's the way that worked for someone else.  

The other thing that I see in this type of reasoning is that we tend to take someone else's experience and allow it to carry more weight than what God is speaking to us.  We take something someone else did under inspiration of Holy Spirit, and make it into a formula that will work for anyone.  Then if the formula doesn't work for us, we wonder what we did wrong, instead of understanding that we are all created to be different.

I have done this for years.  Literally.  I limited my relationship with God because I thought that to really get close to Him and and walk in unity with Him I needed to do x,y, and z, and if I couldn't make those things happen, then I was out of luck.  I thought I needed to do all these things in a certain way, whether those things worked in my life or not, or God would withhold part of Himself from me because I wasn't doing it "right".

The other thing I've fallen prey to is thinking that the people of God are all supposed to be outgoing, friendly, talkative, bold extroverts who are happy all the time and want to be going and doing for God all the time.  Are there some people who absolutely are this way?  Sure!  But when you are a shy, quiet, smart introvert and your only example of people on fire for God are bold extroverts, it's really easy to think that you are broken, or that you just need to pretend in order to be effective for God.  It's really easy to hate who you are because you are not able to make yourself into someone different.  It's also really easy to be jealous and envious of those people for whom being extroverted is natural.  Especially since there is such a push to go out and evangelize the world, which to most of us means going out and doing things that most introverts are VERY uncomfortable doing.  

But I'm coming to realize that if we are called to be parts of the Body of Christ, we each have an individual part to fill.  We each have our part to play, and we each have something that we contribute, whether we are a people-person or a book nerd, whatever our personality or home life, no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in.  God is with us, and willing to reveal to us where we fit, if we just stop looking to others for answers and look to Him.  Holy Spirit will teach us not only who we are in Christ, but what we need to do to grow in Him, and what Christ looks like in US.

Father, I just ask for everyone reading today to get a fresh revelation of who You created them to be, and how You will use their gifts, talents, and abilities to transform the world around them.  I thank you Father that there is no one way, there are no limitations on You, and that You will work in our lives as we seek You.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

*I apologize if this seems scattered today - I was having a difficult time getting the thoughts from my mind to the page, probably because I mostly likely could write a book on this subject!

When Won't I Feel Like an Outcast?

So, most of my life, I've felt like I didn't belong.  I didn't fit in, I didn't know how to get along with my peers, I didn't know how to be "cool".  I've pretty much always felt like I was broken in a perfect world - like the people around my just couldn't seem to figure me out.

Then I came to Christ - and at first, I really felt like I finally found a group of people who'd just accept me as I was.  That I didn't have to be anyone other than who I am.  I didn't have to fit society's norms, because I was created exactly to be who I was.  And it was great - for a while.

But, eventually, I realized that I wanted more from God.  That I wasn't happy with the "go to church, go to prayer meeting, read your Bible, feel good about yourself because you aren't going to hell" scenario that most people are totally fine with.  I wanted to immerse myself in Him.  I wanted to experience Him on a daily basis, to serve Him with my whole heart.  I wanted to be on the leading edge of whatever He was doing in the earth, and I wanted to pursue Him without thought for what it would look like to the rest of the world.

The thing is, I also want to take other people with me on this adventure.  I don't want to walk this path alone.  And yet, the more I speak, the more I feel like an outcast again.  The more I feel like I need to apologize for being this way.  I often feel like other people who supposedly believe what I believe about God look at me like I have 3 heads.  Like I'm WAY out there.

But here's the thing - we talk a good game about God being good, and loving us, and wanting good things for us.  We put in a lot of lip service to Him being our Healer, being Supernatural, doing miracles.  We talk, but we don't experience.  We don't dare actually pursue Him to receive, because, deep down, there is fear.  What if we ask, and don't get?  But I ask - if He is real, if He does what He says He does, then why are we not going after Him with everything we've got?  Why are we not trusting Him to be there for us?  And, conversely, if we're afraid He's not going to be what we say He is, or do what He says He'll do, then do we really believe He is real, or are we just pretending?  Are we hedging our bets, figuring that believing He's real and finding out He's not is better than believing He's not real and finding out He is?  Are we just hoping and making ourselves feel better?

I don't get not going after God wholeheartedly if we truly know that He IS, and that He's a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.  I don't get not wanting to have Him fully involved in our lives to the point where we never feel alone.  I want Him in my life - I want my life to truly be a reflection of His love.  I want to have everything He says I can have, be everything He's called me to be, and do everything He's empowered me to do.  I don't want do have "normal life" and "church life" separate.  I don't want to experience God only when I go to a powerful conference, or have a particularly good sermon.  I want more.

And yet - it makes me feel like an outcast...