The Hard Questions

Things have been difficult lately.  For a while now I've been dissatisfied with my life, but have been living in the idea that because of God there is hope for change, and when things change, then life will be better.  

• When my husband is saved, then he will spend more time with me and connect with me on a deeper, more intimate level.
• When the boys with autism are healed, then I'll be able to enjoy my children, then we'll be able to have the life I envisioned we'd have with kids.
• When I am finally free of food issues which result in being overweight, then I'll be able to do some of the things I miss doing now, like dancing.
• When all these things are "fixed" by God, then I'll be able to be happy.

But, see, I'd like to actually be happy now.  Having my happiness hinged on whether or not these things change, especially these things which would take a miracle in order to change, sucks.  But the church isn't a help, because I'm supposed to just BE HAPPY, if not because of my life as it is, because someday God will change things.  

I'm tired of just hanging on waiting for things to change.  I'm tired of feeling like my husband doesn't care about my emotions or what I need.  I'm tired of the amount of work it takes to just adequately parent my autistic sons, and I'm tired of hearing other people, other family members, tell me how hard my life is and do NOTHING to help.  I'm tired of just existing through the day, filling my day up with things that mean nothing because they are distracting me from how hard things really are.  And I'm tired of waiting for "someday" to come.

I keep asking God questions, and I keep looking for answers, so maybe I can get that second wind, that enthusiasm that this is all worth it.  And they are hard questions...like if I want the boys healed, and God wants the boys healed, why aren't they?  If my husband believing in God hinges on seeing Him intervene with our kids, why isn't that happening?  If God has a great ministry for me after the kids are healed and based on their healing (which has been spoken over me multiple times by well-meaning people), then why are we still waiting?  Why can't I get a breakthrough in any of the areas which are causing the most pain and heartache in my life?  And why, when I give of myself to everyone around me constantly, do they never give back?  

The church would tell me things aren't happening because I don't have enough faith, aren't good enough, aren't doing enough, etc., etc., etc.  If I would just believe more, pray more, do more, then I'd get the "breakthrough" in these areas.  But the problem with that is that there is always more you can do, no matter how much you do.  There have been times when I've bough into this, and was trying to earn God's goodness and blessings, and was actually afraid to have doubts, or fear, or sadness, because I was afraid of God snatching His blessings away from me, from my kids.  Because that's the kicker - if my behavior is what makes God bless me, then bad behavior would cause Him to withhold His blessings from me.  So the fear involved in this is that I could be doing well, "earning" healing for my boys, and with one moment of doubt or sadness or fear completely lose their healing, because I'm supposed to "have faith" and "hold fast" to the promised of God.  

But how much faith is "enough" faith?  Usually, when my kids are working toward earning something, they have a set goal in mind.  They know what they need to accomplish in order to earn the reward, and they know what will cause them to lose the reward as well.  Parameters are set so they know what to work toward, and so if they have a minor slip up they can correct for it and still make progress forward.  But with no parameters set on how much faith we need to have, how much good we need to do, how much prayer we need to pray, all failure can be placed squarely on our shoulders, because we didn't have "enough", based on nothing but the lack of breakthrough.  

It makes no sense.  Jesus came because we could not be "good" enough.  He had to come and do if for us if we were ever going to get back into relationship with the God who loves us.  We had an "earning" system in place before Jesus came, which we couldn't do.  He came and fulfilled the system, becoming our "gold star" on our paper as long as we accepted that He did it in our place, for us.  He's already taken the test and got 100%, and we get His grade.  We don't need to take the test again.  We have passed with flying colors, because His 100% is ours.  

God isn't testing us any more.  He's not waiting to see what grade we get in order to see what prize we deserve.  Jesus aced the test, and the reward is ours. 

I honestly am coming to the conclusion that the reason our breakthrough seems to be held back is because we think we're earning it in the first place.  

What have you been trying to earn from God?  Is there anything that you've been waiting for God to do that hasn't happened yet?  How do you hold on to the promises of God during the time of waiting?

It's My Own Fault I'm Stuck

Ok, so our pastor taught on giving today. I suppose his real drive behind the teaching was to get people to tithe, which I already do, but I certainly got something out of it that wasn't perhaps the main focus of the teaching. See, one thing he covered was fear of stepping out in faith, fear that God won't provide for whatever He's calling you to do. Maybe the slant was stepping out in giving for fear that if you give you won't have enough, but it really touched on something for me unrelated, or at least not completely related to money.

I have been in fear of stepping out in faith, because I've not been able to see how or when God will provide for the situation. I've got a call on my life, see - a call to ministry that is strong and that I know is from God. But, I've also got 4 kids, two who are currently effected by autism, and an unsaved, unbelieving, agnostic husband. And while I know that if this is His call on my life that God will make a way for me if I will trust Him, I'm afraid. Because of that fear, I've been stagnating. Not standing still, exactly, because we never stand still with God - if we're not going forward with Him, we're falling away. But sinking, really, and knowing I'm sinking, and yet feeling like there was no way to pull myself out. Getting stuck deeper and deeper in the mire, feeling more and more trapped, all because of fear of the unknown.

Stupid, really, isn't it? But we all do it - fear can hold us back from so many things, things that would have so many rewards, and yet we'd rather stick with what we know that venture into the unknown. To personalize it, I'd rather stick with an unsatisfying life, one that I'm just going from one useless thing to anther to kill time, than step out into what God has for me, one where I could actually make a difference in this world! But, truthfully, I don't just want a trivial, useless life. I'd just like the step toward God's wonderful plan to be easier!

So, anyway, today's pastoral message hit home for me. I do need to trust God to be there, to provide for me when I do what He's leading me to do. And I need to realize that I'm only holding myself back from relationship with Him because I'm being stubborn about doing what He's asking me to do. I need to trust that He's got it all under control, seek Him and His will with all my heart, and do those things which might seem impossible now. Because with God, nothing is impossible.