The Hard Questions

Things have been difficult lately.  For a while now I've been dissatisfied with my life, but have been living in the idea that because of God there is hope for change, and when things change, then life will be better.  

• When my husband is saved, then he will spend more time with me and connect with me on a deeper, more intimate level.
• When the boys with autism are healed, then I'll be able to enjoy my children, then we'll be able to have the life I envisioned we'd have with kids.
• When I am finally free of food issues which result in being overweight, then I'll be able to do some of the things I miss doing now, like dancing.
• When all these things are "fixed" by God, then I'll be able to be happy.

But, see, I'd like to actually be happy now.  Having my happiness hinged on whether or not these things change, especially these things which would take a miracle in order to change, sucks.  But the church isn't a help, because I'm supposed to just BE HAPPY, if not because of my life as it is, because someday God will change things.  

I'm tired of just hanging on waiting for things to change.  I'm tired of feeling like my husband doesn't care about my emotions or what I need.  I'm tired of the amount of work it takes to just adequately parent my autistic sons, and I'm tired of hearing other people, other family members, tell me how hard my life is and do NOTHING to help.  I'm tired of just existing through the day, filling my day up with things that mean nothing because they are distracting me from how hard things really are.  And I'm tired of waiting for "someday" to come.

I keep asking God questions, and I keep looking for answers, so maybe I can get that second wind, that enthusiasm that this is all worth it.  And they are hard questions...like if I want the boys healed, and God wants the boys healed, why aren't they?  If my husband believing in God hinges on seeing Him intervene with our kids, why isn't that happening?  If God has a great ministry for me after the kids are healed and based on their healing (which has been spoken over me multiple times by well-meaning people), then why are we still waiting?  Why can't I get a breakthrough in any of the areas which are causing the most pain and heartache in my life?  And why, when I give of myself to everyone around me constantly, do they never give back?  

The church would tell me things aren't happening because I don't have enough faith, aren't good enough, aren't doing enough, etc., etc., etc.  If I would just believe more, pray more, do more, then I'd get the "breakthrough" in these areas.  But the problem with that is that there is always more you can do, no matter how much you do.  There have been times when I've bough into this, and was trying to earn God's goodness and blessings, and was actually afraid to have doubts, or fear, or sadness, because I was afraid of God snatching His blessings away from me, from my kids.  Because that's the kicker - if my behavior is what makes God bless me, then bad behavior would cause Him to withhold His blessings from me.  So the fear involved in this is that I could be doing well, "earning" healing for my boys, and with one moment of doubt or sadness or fear completely lose their healing, because I'm supposed to "have faith" and "hold fast" to the promised of God.  

But how much faith is "enough" faith?  Usually, when my kids are working toward earning something, they have a set goal in mind.  They know what they need to accomplish in order to earn the reward, and they know what will cause them to lose the reward as well.  Parameters are set so they know what to work toward, and so if they have a minor slip up they can correct for it and still make progress forward.  But with no parameters set on how much faith we need to have, how much good we need to do, how much prayer we need to pray, all failure can be placed squarely on our shoulders, because we didn't have "enough", based on nothing but the lack of breakthrough.  

It makes no sense.  Jesus came because we could not be "good" enough.  He had to come and do if for us if we were ever going to get back into relationship with the God who loves us.  We had an "earning" system in place before Jesus came, which we couldn't do.  He came and fulfilled the system, becoming our "gold star" on our paper as long as we accepted that He did it in our place, for us.  He's already taken the test and got 100%, and we get His grade.  We don't need to take the test again.  We have passed with flying colors, because His 100% is ours.  

God isn't testing us any more.  He's not waiting to see what grade we get in order to see what prize we deserve.  Jesus aced the test, and the reward is ours. 

I honestly am coming to the conclusion that the reason our breakthrough seems to be held back is because we think we're earning it in the first place.  

What have you been trying to earn from God?  Is there anything that you've been waiting for God to do that hasn't happened yet?  How do you hold on to the promises of God during the time of waiting?

Counseled By The Spirit

Today I wanted to share an experience I had yesterday during my time writing in my journal.  For me, my journal is the place where I meet with God, my "secret place", if you will.  It's where I both pour out my heart to Him and hear what He has to say, and it's where I pray whatever is on my heart.

For quite a while now I have been trapped in a cycle of resentment and unforgiveness toward someone from my past.  I've blamed them for things that both happened in the past and for things that effect me now, and I have repeatedly forgiven them, (or at least said I forgave them) because the unforgiveness was eating me up inside, and keeping me in bondage to things I just didn't want in my life.  But no matter how many times I tried to forgive them and move forward, I could not rid myself of the resentment I felt.  And every time I would sit down to write the hurt and anger would pour out of me onto the paper, a constant reminder that I hadn't actually successfully forgiven them.

Yesterday, I sat at my computer and wrote, and again, the hurt poured out from my fingers onto the page.  And in the midst of the pain, I cried out to God.  "Lord, please, I can't seem to really forgive this person!  Please help me - I don't want to hold on to this any more!"  And He answered, and His response surprised me - He told me to break an unhealthy soul tie with that person.

Now, if you are anything like me, you've heard a lot about soul ties in relation to sex outside of marriage.  Breaking soul ties, to me, seemed kind of silly, actually.  It had always seemed like something that was a "formula" created by man to give us something we could do to feel like we were free.  It never seemed like it actually did anything.  But by inspiration of Holy Spirit, I did just what He asked - I renounced the soul tie that had formed and thanked Jesus that it was completely broken.

Literally, in an instant, the hurt and anger and resentment that I had held against this person for years was gone.  Just, GONE.  I again forgave this person for the past, and instead of just saying I forgave them, I actually felt forgiveness rise up in me.  I started the prayer one way, feeling like I was never going to be able to let the hurt and anger go, and at the end, was completely free of it all.  Not only was I not holding things from the past against them, I was able to examine the things that had happened and see them with new eyes.  See that those thing which were hurtful had nothing to do with me, or my value.  My worth in God's eyes had nothing to do with this person's treatment of me in the past.

But the funny thing is that I would never have prayed to break a soul tie on my own - it was only though surrendering my own efforts in fixing this situation that I was able to hear what God needed to tell me.  He knew what was needed for me to be free - I did not.  And that makes me wonder, how many situations are we in that Holy Spirit wants to help us out of, but we're too busy trying to fix it ourselves to listen?  I had done what books, pastors and friends had told me to do.  I had forgiven this person, multiple times.  But I did not have the capacity to forgive because of the unnatural bond that had been created years ago, and Holy Spirit knew that once that was dealt with, everything else would fall into place.  But I had to get to the point where I stopped doing what other people told me would fix the situation and instead hear what God was saying.

So, what if we all stop trying to follow the "method" for a moment and really pay attention to what God is telling us to do?  Instead of reading a book that tells me how someone else got their breakthrough, maybe I should ask Holy Spirit to show me what I need to do to get MY breakthrough.  I am really starting to believe that He does know what is best for us, after all. 

Father, I pray today that we have open ears to hear what You are speaking.  I ask that everyone reading be able to hear and respond to what You are telling them to do about every situation in their lives.  I thank you Father, that we can find exactly what we need when we hear Your voice and stop listening to the many voices around us vying for our attention.  I pray for open ears and open hearts for Your people, God.  In Jesus' name, amen.

Moving right along...

Man, I can't believe how God is moving in my life right now.  I just find it totally amazing, because it's not that long ago that I thought He needed to fix and change everything in order to release me to be who He's called me to be.  And now, nothing has really changed, but I've moved up into a leadership position (Prophet) in my church, not by my own doing, but by God's promotion of me; and NOTHING has changed.  My husband still doesn't believe, my kids are still tagged with the "autism" label, but I am in such a good place right now.  I'm learning and growing in my relationship with Him, I'm seeing things change and shift in our local church body that I've been "seeing" for several years now, and that is SO exciting for me.  I'm being given ideas of ways to teach the people around me how to walk in closer communion with God, how to hear His voice, and so much else it's amazing. 

The biggest thing for me right now is that people are starting to "catch" where God is taking us, but we've still got so many religious mindsets blocking full revelation of what God is trying to get across to us.  It makes me frustrated when people determine to hold on to their false constructs than to go forward with what God is showing us.  Not just showing me, but confirming both in His written Word and in His revealed Word for us today.  We get so tied up in knots trying to explain things, we desire so much to get a mental understanding of things, that we make up reasons as to why something happens, rather than trusting in the Word of God.  Hence the Cessationists.  I don't really understand why we do that - we say we trust in God, we believe His Word is truth, and then we make up reasons as to why we don't really believe the Bible to be the truth after all.  The great commission - we love it.  What does it tell us to do?   

Jesus came and told his disciples, “I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth. Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” -Mathew 28:18-20 NLT 

So we see that part of the great commission was to teach the new disciples to obey everything Jesus commanded the original disciples to do.  What were some of the things He told them to do?  Let's look! 

Jesus sent out the twelve apostles with these instructions: ....Go and announce to them that the Kingdom of Heaven is near.  Heal the sick, raise the dead, cure those with leprosy, and cast out demons. Give as freely as you have received!  Matthew 10:5-8 NLT 

One day Jesus called together his twelve disciples and gave them power and authority to cast out all demons and to heal all diseases. Then he sent them out to tell everyone about the Kingdom of God and to heal the sick.  Luke 9:1-2 NLT

Heal the sick, and tell them, ‘The Kingdom of God is near you now.’ - Luke 10:9 NLT 

To me, it seems rather obvious that we, as the people of God, believers in Christ, should be going out and healing the sick and telling people about the Kingdom of God.  It's pretty clearly laid out if you look at it. And yet, as a church culture, we've come up with reasons why God doesn't heal any more, or why God won't heal someone through me, or why some people get healed and others don't.  We come up with tons and tons of reasons to not do what we've been told to do, instead of actually trusting God and stepping out in faith.

I personally am tired of it.  I'm especially tired of being in a church culture which gives voice to the idea that God heals, always wants healing, is a good God, etc., etc., and yet doesn't actually put their money where their mouth is.  Talking a good game doesn't accomplish anything unless you actually start pursuing the things you say you believe.  I can say I believe God heals and can heal through me, but unless I actually do the stuff like laying on of hands, anointing with oil, or even praying in faith for the sick, I am never actually going to see anyone healed through my belief alone.

For example, I can be given a gift by a close friend.  I have been told by the friend, who is someone I trust, that there is an iPod in the package, so I firmly believe that to be true.  But, if I never unwrap the package, never take the iPod out, and never use it, what good is it to me?  Sure, I have possession of an iPod.  I technically own an iPod, but it is of no use to me, not because it's not mine, but because I refuse to take hold of it and use it.  It is the same as not having the gift at all.  I can walk around all day and tell everyone I know that I have an iPod - which is absolutely true.  But I have not received the benefit of owning the iPod because I refuse to use it.

We treat the gifts of God in the exactly same manner - we talk about how He's made provision for something, and yet we do not take the action necessary to lay hold of it.  We say He's given us peace, and yet we do nothing to take it for ourselves like casting down the imaginations that exalt themselves against the knowledge of God.  We say that we have been given the ability to lay hands on the sick and see them recover - but we don't actually step out to do it because of our fear that people won't recover.  We say we have the joy of the Lord, and yet we allow every bad mood that crosses our mind to take control of us!

I want to walk in fullness of His truth, and do everything I can to appropriate and take for my own everything that God has for me.  And I want everyone else to want this as well!  Come, grab hold of what God has for you in Christ with me!  You can do it!