God Didn't Screw Up

Here's something I just wrote in my journal:

"Trying to make yourself into someone you are not is like telling God He screwed up when He created you."

Over the last week or so Holy Spirit has really been focusing on the fact that Christians are not meant to be a homogeneous group of people.  We are not meant to fit into a mold of the "mature Christian" and all act, talk, walk, and look alike.  And yet the church has been trying to get us to all "fit the mold" for ages.  We look at the pastor, or elders, or someone held in high esteem in our local assembly, and think that we should just be more like them.  They say they matured in God because they got up early at 4 am and read their Bible and prayed for 3 hours before work, and we have one of two reactions.

Reaction #1 - "I want to be like elder so-and-so, so if they grew to maturity by doing this, then I'm going to do it too!"  

Reaction #2 - "I can't get up and spend 3 hours reading the Bible and praying.  I'll NEVER be able to have as close a relationship with God as elder so-and so!"

In both reactions we see maturity in God reduced to a formula - elder so-and-so did "x" and got "y" result.  Therefore, if I do exactly what they did, I will get exactly what they got, and if I do not, I will not.  We also see limited, worldly thinking, in that we are limiting God to doing things only one way, because that's the way that worked for someone else.  

The other thing that I see in this type of reasoning is that we tend to take someone else's experience and allow it to carry more weight than what God is speaking to us.  We take something someone else did under inspiration of Holy Spirit, and make it into a formula that will work for anyone.  Then if the formula doesn't work for us, we wonder what we did wrong, instead of understanding that we are all created to be different.

I have done this for years.  Literally.  I limited my relationship with God because I thought that to really get close to Him and and walk in unity with Him I needed to do x,y, and z, and if I couldn't make those things happen, then I was out of luck.  I thought I needed to do all these things in a certain way, whether those things worked in my life or not, or God would withhold part of Himself from me because I wasn't doing it "right".

The other thing I've fallen prey to is thinking that the people of God are all supposed to be outgoing, friendly, talkative, bold extroverts who are happy all the time and want to be going and doing for God all the time.  Are there some people who absolutely are this way?  Sure!  But when you are a shy, quiet, smart introvert and your only example of people on fire for God are bold extroverts, it's really easy to think that you are broken, or that you just need to pretend in order to be effective for God.  It's really easy to hate who you are because you are not able to make yourself into someone different.  It's also really easy to be jealous and envious of those people for whom being extroverted is natural.  Especially since there is such a push to go out and evangelize the world, which to most of us means going out and doing things that most introverts are VERY uncomfortable doing.  

But I'm coming to realize that if we are called to be parts of the Body of Christ, we each have an individual part to fill.  We each have our part to play, and we each have something that we contribute, whether we are a people-person or a book nerd, whatever our personality or home life, no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in.  God is with us, and willing to reveal to us where we fit, if we just stop looking to others for answers and look to Him.  Holy Spirit will teach us not only who we are in Christ, but what we need to do to grow in Him, and what Christ looks like in US.

Father, I just ask for everyone reading today to get a fresh revelation of who You created them to be, and how You will use their gifts, talents, and abilities to transform the world around them.  I thank you Father that there is no one way, there are no limitations on You, and that You will work in our lives as we seek You.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

*I apologize if this seems scattered today - I was having a difficult time getting the thoughts from my mind to the page, probably because I mostly likely could write a book on this subject!

"Greasy Grace" - Why I Don't Agree

Greasy grace - boy, do I hate that term.  It's most often heard from the people in the church who are most afraid that giving extravagant grace will allow people to just do whatever they want.  My question is, if it's the love of Christ that constrains us (2 Corinthians 5:14), then if someone is actually walking in relationship with God they won't want to do the things that we consider "sin".  Plus, we can't crucify sin without Christ - we don't have the ability or the power to do it for ourselves.  I can know that I shouldn't do something, and actually not want to do it, but trying to change in my own power and ability is virtually useless.  People don't like to preach that type of grace - that nothing is being held against you any longer and Christ has paid ALL THE PRICE needed for you to come into relationship with God - because of fear.  It's totally and completely fear based - if we tell people that they don't have to pay a price through their behavior then they won't change their behavior, and we'll have drunks and druggies and gays and all manner of sinner in our church!  Then we'll have to deal with these people in love!  And we'll need to explain their behavior to our kids!  It's fear of those different than us, and it's why we've tried to homogenize the church.  We've put forward the idea that we all need to look the same, act the same, follow the same rules, and then we can be unified in love.  But we aren't all the same.  We don't all have the same struggles, but we do all have struggles.  We all have areas of sin in our lives that we can not overcome unless Jesus helps us.  Things that we have tried to conquer on our own over and over and over again and failed miserably each time.  

The thing is that each failure actually tends to push us away from God instead of toward Him, because we feel like it's our responsibility to clean ourselves up to make us worthy of His attention and love.  But nothing could be further from the truth.  The Father wants us to come with Him with a clear understanding that we can not fix ourselves, and submit ourselves to His love and mercy so that He, as the Master Potter, can.

Father, I ask today that you give us a more complete understanding of Your grace for us.  I ask for each reader that You come in and do the work in them that they can not do themselves.  We ask together that Your hands be on us, molding and shaping us into the people You created us to be.  And we thank you that there is NOTHING that can separate us from Your love and mercy.  Nothing stands in the way of our relationship with You in Christ.  Thank you for your love.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

The Holy Temple of the Lord

Today I feel like I need to do something a little different.  A couple of days ago, the Lord illuminated some scriptures in Ephesians and dropped some tidbits of revelation from them on me, and I'd like to share what He showed me with you.  First off, here are the scriptures for reference:

"God has put all things under the authority of Christ and has made him head over all things for the benefit of the church. And the church is his body; it is made full and complete by Christ, who fills all things everywhere with himself." - Ephesians 1:22-23 NLT

"God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." -Ephesians 2:8-10 NLT

"Together, we are his house, built on the foundation of the apostles and the prophets. And the cornerstone is Christ Jesus himself. We are carefully joined together in him, becoming a holy temple for the Lord." - Ephesians 2:20-21 NLT

So I've underlined the points in the scriptures that had jumped off the page at me, and here's the revelation as I wrote it in my journal:

We are God's masterpiece - we are made full and complete by Christ, who fills all things with himself.  We are carefully joined together in him, becoming a holy temple for the Lord.  

We are each individual bricks in the building of the Lord - God is creating and forming and putting us together in such a way that we make a holy temple for the Lord.  We are held together by Christ, who comes in and fills up our cracks and binds us together - He is the mortar which holds all of us (His church) together.  We are made a complete temple for God through Christ.  Without the mortar of Christ we would not be able to stand together, and in fact would not fit together, because he comes in and fills all the spaces and gaps between us.  Where we may not meet eye to eye with each other, Christ comes in and fills that gap so that we can be bound together in love.  He who is Love fills our gaps, so we need not be bound only with those who are similar to us, but those who are different can be built into the same structure, because He fills in all the areas where we don't meet.

A brick wall is built out of items of similar shape and size.  A stone wall is built out of separate pieces of stone which may not all be uniform, but are of the same type.  You would not mix bricks and stone, let alone bricks, stone, gravel, cinder block, etc. in the same wall.  But Christ fills our gaps and differences with Himself, and we who are varied and different can become a single structure, strong and bound together in love, without having to be similar.  God Himself knows where we fit in His masterpiece called the Body of Christ.  

The biggest thing I got out of this revelation is that we really don't need to be the same.  We are not called to be like anyone other than Christ, and in fact, the only requirement to do that is to be Love.  It doesn't mean conforming ourselves into carbon copies of each other, but to be fully ourselves, the person who God created.  We are each individual, unique, and yet, in Christ, we are bound together into something amazing.  Let's learn to be ourselves instead of trying to "fit" into a mold where we don't belong.

Jesus Paid the Highest Price

I don't have a lot to say today.  My kids are all wound up and I've not had more than 5 minutes to myself since I got home from my class this morning, so hopefully I can quiet things down and focus enough to hear what Holy Spirit is speaking for everyone out there who's reading.  I know that Holy Spirit can work through me even in these types of situations, so I'm going to have to trust in faith that He'll give me what needs to be said.

Father, thank you for your presence.  I thank you that you have something to say to those who read this blog today, and I ask you to move in me and speak through me what you desire to say.  

"I love my children.  I am not angry with them, nor am I disgusted with the sin that plagues their lives over and over again.  Jesus came for them.  I sent Jesus to the cross because it was My good pleasure to do so for my kids.  I just desire that they come to Me, knowing I love them.  Jesus paid the price, He paved the way for you to run into My lap and for Me to be your Father.  He took all the blame, He paid every price necessary, so that you can walk into my presence clean, spotless, and holy.  Accept His sacrifice as payment for not just your sin, but your life.  Your life is not your own, but it is Jesus in you who lives.  Let Me live in you and through you in My power.  I hold nothing against you - I am for you."

I pray that this blesses you and accomplished what the Father intends.  In Jesus' name, amen.

Hearing God's Voice

Since launching this out yesterday I have to say that God has been showing me and teaching me so much it's almost more than I can handle!  I feel like I've finally really found where I "fit" in the Body of Christ, and figuring out where I am gifted and anointed is amazing.

I wanted to share a little about how I get the word from God for the blog, because some of you may be wondering.  For me, I tend to "hear" Holy Spirit speaking to me, not as an audible voice, but inwardly, sort of out of the deep places in my thoughts.  I asked Holy Spirit to explain it to me so I could explain it to anyone reading here, and this is the example He gave me:

"I dwell in unity with your spirit.  I speak to your spirit, which in turn communicates these thoughts to the point where you spirit and soul (mind/will/emotions) meet, which is the subconscious.  The subconscious then communicates them to your conscious mind, so your "hear" them sounding like you.  This is why many people are hearing My voice, but think it's their own thoughts, or question whether it's Me speaking to them. The more you practice hearing me, the more you recognize my voice, and the more you can tell the difference between your own mind speaking and Me."

So that is how I hear God's voice primarily, although there are times when I get impressions, feelings, or even whole packets of information that do not come through that way.  I will say I have never audibly heard God's voice before, although I don't doubt that He could speak to me that way if needed.

Because I trust that what Holy Spirit is saying to me is from Him, being practiced in hearing Him, when I write out whatever He has to say for the day I will most likely not edit it (except for spelling and punctuation) unless He tells me to clarify something as I'm reading through.  I trust that He's saying what needs to be said.

So, Father, I ask you now what you have to say for each person who reads this today.

"Love is the word for today.  Love - learn to love yourselves, for I have created you.  Learn to love those around you, for they are also Mine.  Love does not compare one to another - do not compare yourselves against each other, for out of this is all manner of jealousy and envy.  You only envy that which you think you can not have, you are only jealous of another when you feel that what you have is lacking.  See that I have given you everything you need.  See that the gifts, talents, and anointing on your life are perfect for your personality, your location, and the season of life you find yourself in.  I am growing you up into the fullness of who you are in Christ - do not despise the things I have given you.  Love yourself, and see yourself as I see you.  I desire to pour my Love into you today to illuminate your worth in Me.  Receive it, and be glad."

Father, I thank you so much for your words for today.  I ask that everyone who reads this receives it, and that it accomplishes everything you intended. In Jesus' name, Amen!

New Format, same Mina

Today begins a new chapter in the life of this "unable to fly" blog.  God has really been speaking to me about writing in general, and about having a gifting and anointing as a prophetic scribe able to write down the things He's talking to me about.  He encouraging me both in my writing for personal use (my journal) and for the benefit of other people.  In the past I always felt like what I was writing here had to be about me - I had to somehow make my life meaningful to other people, or be able to teach through the stories of my life, or be at least entertaining in what I was writing.  But now I really feel like this blog, in all the years I've had it, has been building up to this.  Building up to a point where this vague urge to blog made sense.

So, I'm going to try to get on and write what God has for me to write once every day.  I feel that it's something He's urging me to do, both for my own benefit, and for the benefit of others.  It's not that I think that I have the only voice; obviously that's not the case.  Or that I'm looking for a title "Prophetic Scribe Mina".  But, if I've been gifted in this area, I desire to use it, instead of telling God that I'm not worthy of the gifts He's given me.  I've done that for too long.

I'll put the prophetic word for the day in italics, only so you can tell where my rambling breaks off and the voice of Holy Spirit begins.  I pray that whatever He has to say to those of you reading this edifies, exhorts, and comforts you.

July 8, 2013: 

"Today is the day for the new - new beginnings, new adventures, new relationships.  Today I have new things for my people - a new word if you take the time to hear it.  It's a day of refreshing those things which are old and bringing them into a newness of life.  Taking what seems to be falling apart and making  it shine with My glory.  Taking what seems hopeless and shining the light of hope upon it.  All those things which you thought were dead are now coming alive in My power.  Coming to life, from the brink of death.  Becoming exactly what I have planned for them.  It's a day for My breath to come in and breathe on those things which are dark and crumbling in your life.  Can I not do this?  Can I not bring life where there is death?  Can I not make right what is wrong?  Can I not make things switch in an instant?  My power raised Christ from the dead, and my Spirit, full of power, rests in you.  Let me make those dry things lush with new greenery.  Allow me to grow your garden into fresh, green sprigs.  Let me tend the dry places, the arid places, and make them lush and fertile again.  Today is the day for new rain to fall.  Today is the day for life to come.  Today is the day I have good things for you, if you dare to only believe."

Father, I thank you for these words.  And I pray, agreeing with everyone who will read this, that this is their day for the new in You.  I pray that the people that read this grab hold and run with it, knowing that these promises are for them, because they read it and received it with joy.  I thank you that they need only believe in your goodness to receive it.  I ask that everyone who reads this word would experience this newness and refreshing in their lives today.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

This is going to be the general format for the future, unless Holy Spirit instructs me otherwise.  I look forward to seeing where God is going to take me, as well as everyone who reads this word, directly from the Heart of the Father to his children.

Dead Or Alive?

One of the hardest things I tend to deal with in my Christian walk is the highs and the lows.  One day, I'm doing God-related stuff, hanging out with Christian friends, talking about what God is showing me and discussing the scriptures, and I'm on a high.  This is who I am, this is what I'm supposed to be doing, and I have hope and joy and fun.  I feel connected to God, feel like I'm hearing His voice, and am sure that this time, THIS TIME, I'm not going to lose it.  I'm going to be able to hold on to it forever.

And a day passes, and I wake up and have a conversation with God that goes something like this: "Father, thank you for being with me, thank you that today I will stay in constant communication with You, and that I'll walk out the path You have set before me, in Jesus' name.  Amen.".  But, that day I have no classes planned, no Christian friends to hang out with, and by lunchtime I'm sitting at my computer, thinking that I've run out of things to do with God.  Thinking that Jesus feels a little more distant, a little more quiet, a little, I don't know, LESS in my life than He did yesterday, or even earlier in the day.  He doesn't seem to mesh with this life, the life of spending time on the computer by myself while my husband works upstairs.  The life where there is no one else within earshot to talk to about Jesus, or at least no one who wants to hear it or would understand what I am saying.  The life that is spent taking care of the house and the children virtually by myself.  It's not that Jesus isn't still here with me - no, it's that somehow I often feel like two different people.  There is the home-version of Mina, the one who spends most of her time alone, who doesn't really talk much about God because she doesn't want her husband to feel like she's trying to force Jesus down his throat; and then there is the Mina who shows up when she is safe and free to be everything she really is.  Who speaks to her Christian friends without fear, even when what she is saying is challenging to their faith.  Even when what she is saying isn't the popular way of looking at things.  The Mina who is able to hear God's voice and able to walk in communion with Him, and through whom God speaks.

The hardest thing is that it's this Mina, the one who shows up when I'm with other Christians, that I really am.  The one who is excited to talk about the things that God is showing her, the one who is willing to challenge the status quo in the Church, the one who loves to be around other people and talk about what God is doing.  That's who I am, and yet I spend most of my time in my life being the other Mina - the one with the husband who doesn't really even understand relationships, let alone understand that who he is seeing isn't really who I am.  Most of my time is spent waiting until that one or two days a week where I get a chance to get with other people who actually understand what is coming out of my mouth when I speak about relationship with God through Christ.

It's a crappy way to live, but it's not my husbands fault.  It's partially my fault, and partially just the circumstances I find myself in.  I've stopped myself from being who I really am because my husband doesn't understand it.  I'm not sure if it's fear of rejection if he really knew who I was (no, that's not true - it totally started out because of fear of rejection), or if it's now just because I want him to feel comfortable talking to me about God and faith and so I don't want to make him feel like I'm trying to convert him, but it's really uncomfortable to live as two different people.

The most interesting thing to me is that I don't feel masked at all when I'm with my inner circle of friends who know Christ.  I don't feel false at all.  Everything I say, everything I do, everything I feel is genuinely me.  It's who I am at this moment in Christ.  What I say now, or my understanding of truth now may change 10 days from now, but I'm always honestly me.

At home, even when I speak to my Christian friends, I feel the need to tread lightly in what I say.  Don't go too overboard in praying for someone who really needs prayer.  Don't say too loudly that you know that God's will is always to heal, especially since your husband knows your two boys are not healed yet.  Don't talk too much as if you actually think that the Bible is the inspired Word of God, or that Jesus actually was God in flesh.  Read the Bible, that's fine. Pray and talk to God in your head, because then you can't be heard.  Type in your journal.  Don't be too fanatical.  Stay the wife he thought he was getting when he married you, rather than the wife you truly are right now.  Keep your mask in place - he won't know the difference.  And quietly lose your connection to God over that time, not because God left, but because you did.  By keeping this mask on my face for my husband, I raise the dead and walk her around, and then wonder why I feel dead inside.  Wonder why I feel alive in fellowship and dead at home.  When I'm in fellowship with other believers I'm the new creation - fully alive, fully free, fully connected with God.  At home I'm trying to be that dead woman - the one who died with Christ.  I was her, but I'm not any longer, so it's no wonder it's uncomfortable trying to be her.

See, I don't want to be her - I really don't.  I want to be who God has created me to be.  But I've seen what has happened in friends' marriages when one has caught onto God and run with Him, and the other hasn't, even if both spouses were born again.  Even if both spouses were professing Christ as Savior and were attending church together.  I've seen the strife it's caused, and wondered how much worse will it be in mine, seeing as my husband doesn't even believe at all?  How much harder will it be to live my life as I want to with a spouse who hasn't even made it into spiritual Kindergarten?

And honestly, there is fear that he won't know how to handle me and he'll walk away if I'm not the woman he expects me to be.  I know that the reality is that if he did leave, it would be hard, but I would survive.  I would live through it, and come out stronger on the other side.  But, I don't want him to leave.  I don't want to try to single-parent my children.  I don't want to be alone.  And more than that, I do want him to come to Christ.  I do love him, and I do see the treasures God created in him.  I see the man he truly is, the man who will be expressed in Christ, and I desperately want to see that man, to know that man, to love that man.  I want him to not only tolerate my faith - I want him to understand it.  The passionate discussions I have with friends I want to have with my husband.  I want to be able to start my conversations with "I feel like God's teaching me..." and have that completely understood.  I want to pray with him instead of just for him.  I want him to understand me and know me.  I want him to be able to see me through God's eyes.

My faith says my husband will believe if I just hang in here.  But I honestly don't know if I can continue to be two different people any longer - and I don't know if I should.