The Hard Questions

Things have been difficult lately.  For a while now I've been dissatisfied with my life, but have been living in the idea that because of God there is hope for change, and when things change, then life will be better.  

• When my husband is saved, then he will spend more time with me and connect with me on a deeper, more intimate level.
• When the boys with autism are healed, then I'll be able to enjoy my children, then we'll be able to have the life I envisioned we'd have with kids.
• When I am finally free of food issues which result in being overweight, then I'll be able to do some of the things I miss doing now, like dancing.
• When all these things are "fixed" by God, then I'll be able to be happy.

But, see, I'd like to actually be happy now.  Having my happiness hinged on whether or not these things change, especially these things which would take a miracle in order to change, sucks.  But the church isn't a help, because I'm supposed to just BE HAPPY, if not because of my life as it is, because someday God will change things.  

I'm tired of just hanging on waiting for things to change.  I'm tired of feeling like my husband doesn't care about my emotions or what I need.  I'm tired of the amount of work it takes to just adequately parent my autistic sons, and I'm tired of hearing other people, other family members, tell me how hard my life is and do NOTHING to help.  I'm tired of just existing through the day, filling my day up with things that mean nothing because they are distracting me from how hard things really are.  And I'm tired of waiting for "someday" to come.

I keep asking God questions, and I keep looking for answers, so maybe I can get that second wind, that enthusiasm that this is all worth it.  And they are hard questions...like if I want the boys healed, and God wants the boys healed, why aren't they?  If my husband believing in God hinges on seeing Him intervene with our kids, why isn't that happening?  If God has a great ministry for me after the kids are healed and based on their healing (which has been spoken over me multiple times by well-meaning people), then why are we still waiting?  Why can't I get a breakthrough in any of the areas which are causing the most pain and heartache in my life?  And why, when I give of myself to everyone around me constantly, do they never give back?  

The church would tell me things aren't happening because I don't have enough faith, aren't good enough, aren't doing enough, etc., etc., etc.  If I would just believe more, pray more, do more, then I'd get the "breakthrough" in these areas.  But the problem with that is that there is always more you can do, no matter how much you do.  There have been times when I've bough into this, and was trying to earn God's goodness and blessings, and was actually afraid to have doubts, or fear, or sadness, because I was afraid of God snatching His blessings away from me, from my kids.  Because that's the kicker - if my behavior is what makes God bless me, then bad behavior would cause Him to withhold His blessings from me.  So the fear involved in this is that I could be doing well, "earning" healing for my boys, and with one moment of doubt or sadness or fear completely lose their healing, because I'm supposed to "have faith" and "hold fast" to the promised of God.  

But how much faith is "enough" faith?  Usually, when my kids are working toward earning something, they have a set goal in mind.  They know what they need to accomplish in order to earn the reward, and they know what will cause them to lose the reward as well.  Parameters are set so they know what to work toward, and so if they have a minor slip up they can correct for it and still make progress forward.  But with no parameters set on how much faith we need to have, how much good we need to do, how much prayer we need to pray, all failure can be placed squarely on our shoulders, because we didn't have "enough", based on nothing but the lack of breakthrough.  

It makes no sense.  Jesus came because we could not be "good" enough.  He had to come and do if for us if we were ever going to get back into relationship with the God who loves us.  We had an "earning" system in place before Jesus came, which we couldn't do.  He came and fulfilled the system, becoming our "gold star" on our paper as long as we accepted that He did it in our place, for us.  He's already taken the test and got 100%, and we get His grade.  We don't need to take the test again.  We have passed with flying colors, because His 100% is ours.  

God isn't testing us any more.  He's not waiting to see what grade we get in order to see what prize we deserve.  Jesus aced the test, and the reward is ours. 

I honestly am coming to the conclusion that the reason our breakthrough seems to be held back is because we think we're earning it in the first place.  

What have you been trying to earn from God?  Is there anything that you've been waiting for God to do that hasn't happened yet?  How do you hold on to the promises of God during the time of waiting?

*Not a Real Post

This isn't a real blog post.  Today has been fairly busy - I had mentoring class this morning and then when I got home this afternoon my kids have been at each other (summer boredom comes around fast!), so I haven't had much time to gather my thoughts.  I figured I'd just get on and tell you about what I'm pondering about with God today, because that is as organized as it's going to get.

1. What does it really look like to stand in faith?
2. What does spiritual maturity really look like?
3. How do we maintain our connection with God even when things get chaotic in our lives?
4. How do we continue to support one another when prayers go unanswered?

I'm hoping that perhaps tomorrow I'll have something to say about at least one of these topics, because right now my thoughts are too muddled!

God Didn't Screw Up

Here's something I just wrote in my journal:

"Trying to make yourself into someone you are not is like telling God He screwed up when He created you."

Over the last week or so Holy Spirit has really been focusing on the fact that Christians are not meant to be a homogeneous group of people.  We are not meant to fit into a mold of the "mature Christian" and all act, talk, walk, and look alike.  And yet the church has been trying to get us to all "fit the mold" for ages.  We look at the pastor, or elders, or someone held in high esteem in our local assembly, and think that we should just be more like them.  They say they matured in God because they got up early at 4 am and read their Bible and prayed for 3 hours before work, and we have one of two reactions.

Reaction #1 - "I want to be like elder so-and-so, so if they grew to maturity by doing this, then I'm going to do it too!"  

Reaction #2 - "I can't get up and spend 3 hours reading the Bible and praying.  I'll NEVER be able to have as close a relationship with God as elder so-and so!"

In both reactions we see maturity in God reduced to a formula - elder so-and-so did "x" and got "y" result.  Therefore, if I do exactly what they did, I will get exactly what they got, and if I do not, I will not.  We also see limited, worldly thinking, in that we are limiting God to doing things only one way, because that's the way that worked for someone else.  

The other thing that I see in this type of reasoning is that we tend to take someone else's experience and allow it to carry more weight than what God is speaking to us.  We take something someone else did under inspiration of Holy Spirit, and make it into a formula that will work for anyone.  Then if the formula doesn't work for us, we wonder what we did wrong, instead of understanding that we are all created to be different.

I have done this for years.  Literally.  I limited my relationship with God because I thought that to really get close to Him and and walk in unity with Him I needed to do x,y, and z, and if I couldn't make those things happen, then I was out of luck.  I thought I needed to do all these things in a certain way, whether those things worked in my life or not, or God would withhold part of Himself from me because I wasn't doing it "right".

The other thing I've fallen prey to is thinking that the people of God are all supposed to be outgoing, friendly, talkative, bold extroverts who are happy all the time and want to be going and doing for God all the time.  Are there some people who absolutely are this way?  Sure!  But when you are a shy, quiet, smart introvert and your only example of people on fire for God are bold extroverts, it's really easy to think that you are broken, or that you just need to pretend in order to be effective for God.  It's really easy to hate who you are because you are not able to make yourself into someone different.  It's also really easy to be jealous and envious of those people for whom being extroverted is natural.  Especially since there is such a push to go out and evangelize the world, which to most of us means going out and doing things that most introverts are VERY uncomfortable doing.  

But I'm coming to realize that if we are called to be parts of the Body of Christ, we each have an individual part to fill.  We each have our part to play, and we each have something that we contribute, whether we are a people-person or a book nerd, whatever our personality or home life, no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in.  God is with us, and willing to reveal to us where we fit, if we just stop looking to others for answers and look to Him.  Holy Spirit will teach us not only who we are in Christ, but what we need to do to grow in Him, and what Christ looks like in US.

Father, I just ask for everyone reading today to get a fresh revelation of who You created them to be, and how You will use their gifts, talents, and abilities to transform the world around them.  I thank you Father that there is no one way, there are no limitations on You, and that You will work in our lives as we seek You.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

*I apologize if this seems scattered today - I was having a difficult time getting the thoughts from my mind to the page, probably because I mostly likely could write a book on this subject!

New Format, same Mina

Today begins a new chapter in the life of this "unable to fly" blog.  God has really been speaking to me about writing in general, and about having a gifting and anointing as a prophetic scribe able to write down the things He's talking to me about.  He encouraging me both in my writing for personal use (my journal) and for the benefit of other people.  In the past I always felt like what I was writing here had to be about me - I had to somehow make my life meaningful to other people, or be able to teach through the stories of my life, or be at least entertaining in what I was writing.  But now I really feel like this blog, in all the years I've had it, has been building up to this.  Building up to a point where this vague urge to blog made sense.

So, I'm going to try to get on and write what God has for me to write once every day.  I feel that it's something He's urging me to do, both for my own benefit, and for the benefit of others.  It's not that I think that I have the only voice; obviously that's not the case.  Or that I'm looking for a title "Prophetic Scribe Mina".  But, if I've been gifted in this area, I desire to use it, instead of telling God that I'm not worthy of the gifts He's given me.  I've done that for too long.

I'll put the prophetic word for the day in italics, only so you can tell where my rambling breaks off and the voice of Holy Spirit begins.  I pray that whatever He has to say to those of you reading this edifies, exhorts, and comforts you.

July 8, 2013: 

"Today is the day for the new - new beginnings, new adventures, new relationships.  Today I have new things for my people - a new word if you take the time to hear it.  It's a day of refreshing those things which are old and bringing them into a newness of life.  Taking what seems to be falling apart and making  it shine with My glory.  Taking what seems hopeless and shining the light of hope upon it.  All those things which you thought were dead are now coming alive in My power.  Coming to life, from the brink of death.  Becoming exactly what I have planned for them.  It's a day for My breath to come in and breathe on those things which are dark and crumbling in your life.  Can I not do this?  Can I not bring life where there is death?  Can I not make right what is wrong?  Can I not make things switch in an instant?  My power raised Christ from the dead, and my Spirit, full of power, rests in you.  Let me make those dry things lush with new greenery.  Allow me to grow your garden into fresh, green sprigs.  Let me tend the dry places, the arid places, and make them lush and fertile again.  Today is the day for new rain to fall.  Today is the day for life to come.  Today is the day I have good things for you, if you dare to only believe."

Father, I thank you for these words.  And I pray, agreeing with everyone who will read this, that this is their day for the new in You.  I pray that the people that read this grab hold and run with it, knowing that these promises are for them, because they read it and received it with joy.  I thank you that they need only believe in your goodness to receive it.  I ask that everyone who reads this word would experience this newness and refreshing in their lives today.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

This is going to be the general format for the future, unless Holy Spirit instructs me otherwise.  I look forward to seeing where God is going to take me, as well as everyone who reads this word, directly from the Heart of the Father to his children.